5 months in a Nutshell

I felt that it was time to quit my desk job and go into residency. I filed for resignation and scouted for potential residency places. Since residency is months away, I accepted clinic assignments on an on-call basis. I started conducting wellness lectures for an insurance company's corporate clients and writing health articles as well. I enjoyed the flexi schedule. I was a stay home mom on some days. I bonded with Mishka big time. Last month, the entire family went to the UAE to visit my mom and brother. It was a month-long vacation that was well-spent. Among the places we visited, Dubai Aquarium and Underwater Zoo, Chill Out Cafe and Ski Dubai topped the list. With my mom's incessant prodding (haha!), I decided to try my luck there. I'm back in the country for a short while. I'm just here to fix some papers. I'll head back for UAE next month. Might work there already. Sometimes, one has to take risks. Who knows? It just might turn out for the better.

Gemini

Just finished watching performers belt out Spongecola's hit songs in a local variety show. I love their songs. I remember falling in love with this song years ago...

GEMINI

Come a little closer
Flicker in flight
We’ll have about an inch space
But I’m here
I can breathe in
What you breathe out

*Let me know if I’m doing this right
Let me know if my grip is too tight
Let me know if I can stay all of my life
Let me know if dreams can come true
Let me know if this one’s yours too
'Cause I see it
And I feel it
Right here
And I feel you right here

The vacuous right
Steps aside to give meaning
To Gemini’s dreaming
The moon on its back
And the seemingly
Veiled room’s lit
By the same star

Repeat *

And I feel it right here
And I feel you right here

My first day of work in 2009. I'm obviously suffering from the holiday daze.

The evidence?

1. left my water bottle

2. left my snacks

3. left my earphones

4. left my cellphone charger

The consequences?

1. will get thirsty

2. will get hungry

3. will get bored

4. will have to limit cellphone usage ... will get extremely bored

Good thing I brought along a book to kill time. Might finish the rest of PS I Love You today. Uh-oh. Just remembered. I left my MIMS and Expanded Medicine Blue Book at home as well. Haha. Now I feel so unprepared to see patients. Hope no one's in the mood to go see the MD today. After all, office and school will resume on Monday. People should enjoy what's left of the long holiday break.

The old man paid me a visit on New Year's Eve. Haven't seen him for 3 years. We laughed, talked about the years gone by, dreamt of a brighter future, drank some wine ... just like old times. His smile was hopeful and his words were wise. It was a perfect little moment that brought me back to those days when my folks handled problems that were too big for me to deal with. Now that I'm a parent myself, I know I'll do everything to make Mishka's life as worry-free as possible. I wonder when I'll see Papa again. Another perfect little moment to look forward to.

I discovered that some of my links here are either inactive or have been redirected to obscene websites. I've deleted them. Happy holidays everyone!

2008 was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. The ride was definitely bumpy. Everything felt new. It tested my faith. To make matters worse, Shai and the Kuchen Meister were thousands of miles away. Wish and pray that they're here. Despite everything, I still believe in God's sublime plan. He has the power to make things happen. He knows what's best for me. The bruises made me stronger and wiser. This is my first Christmas with my baby. She's everything to me. I posted this song in my previous blog ...

NOT WHILE I'M AROUND

Barbra Streisand

Nothing's gonna harm you

Not while I'm around

Nothing's gonna harm you

No sir, not while I'm around

Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays

I'll send them howling,

I don't care, I've got ways

No one's gonna hurt you

No one's gonna dare,

Others can desert you

Not to worry, whistle

I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile for awhile

But in time

Nothing can harm you,

not while I'm around.

Being close and being clever

Aint like being true,

I dont need to,

I would never

Hide a thing from you

Like some

No one's gonna hurt you

No one's gonna dare

Others can desert you

Not a worry, whistle

I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile for awhile

But in time

Nothing's gonna harm you

Not while I'm around

Not while I'm around

Yesterday was a typical Saturday. Was at the clinic along D. Tuazon from 8 till 5. No patient showed up. Haha. Finished a third of PS I Love You. The story's getting really good. Struggled against dozing off. Listened to On the Side of Me over and over again. Gazed out the window and watched the world go by. Received my pay at the end of the day. Mama told me I should be ashamed for getting paid without seeing a single patient. Told her it wasn't my fault if people get too lazy to show up at the clinic during the holidays. I completely understood. Would have done the same thing. Haha. Finally caught Twilight. I know there's a hype going around but I must admit that I was a bit disappointed. Should have waited for the DVD copy instead.

Christmas is definitely my favorite time of the year. No, not Valentine's day (although I'm a self-confessed romantic). And no, DEFINITELY NOT New Year's Eve ('cause I'm auditory defensive). I feel like a kid during Christmas. Of course I no longer believe in Santa (although I envy the little ones who still believe in him) but I'm one of the few adults who get totally excited about receiving gifts during this season. I crave for my family's traditional noche buena fare --- the quezo de bola, fruitcake, Mama's macaroni salad, halayang ube, Mama's Italian ribbon-shaped spaghetti and Aling Beth's sarsa (sarsa pa lang, ulam na!). I used to complete 9 days of Misa de Gallo/Simbang Gabi in order to make a wish. Believe me, my wishes came true. Too bad I failed to attend a single mass this month. December has always been a memorable month for me. Enough said. Meri Kurisumasu!

On the Side of Me

Currently loving this song ... To all the people who've been with me and continue to stay with me through the rough times, domo arigato gozaimasu ...

ON THE SIDE OF ME
Corinne May

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

When you're in your teens, you tend to be a bit selfish. You choose to do things that make you happy. Your first priority is yourself. You set aside a fraction of your baon for that fab outfit you can wear to the party where your crush might show up. It takes an hour and a half to get dressed. When your mom asks for a massage and you're feeling tired, you rant. You expect to receive gifts from your loved ones on your birthday. You refuse to run errands when exams are near. You break up with your boyfriend because you believe that there's always someone better around the corner. You whine about the number of years you have to spend in college just to get a degree. You're excited about the idea of establishing a career in the future that will provide you with more money for clothes and "extra-curricular activities." You're the master of your universe. Your ego is important.

In your 20s, however, you start to realize that you're not the only person that matters in your universe. Your mom gets sick and you suddenly feel a sense of panic. You don't want to lose her too soon. You love her. You offer her a daily TLC massage. You accompany her on her trips to the doctor. You're forced to squeeze in household errands a day before your slide presentation because someone's got to do them. Gifts on special occasions are things of the past. A hug or a kiss will do. When you get your first paycheck, you eagerly hand it over to your folks. You try to work things out with your partner because you have committed yourself to him. Happiness no longer rules your universe. You're responsible for your own actions. No one else can speak for you. No one else can save your a*s. Things get more complicated when your sense of responsibility is put to the test. Should you choose to be happy and get others hurt? Or choose to sacrifice your own happiness in order to make others happy? Growing old sometimes sucks.

The Lake House

Watched The Lake House. Superb storyline.

"You waited ..."

--- Dr. Kate Forster (The Lake House)

Thank you everyone!

I would like to thank everyone for including us, the Feb board takers, in their prayers. To God be the glory. :-)

i'm back ... with good news! :-)

After a long hiatus, I'm back ... with good news! Just passed the Physician Licensure Examinations. Hallelujah! The questions were weird and I would have to say that faith is your best and only accessible tool. I'm not ashamed to say that I made a silent prayer after reading every question (Lord, tulungan niyo po ako please. Ano ang tamang sagot dito? ... Lord, kayo na bahala sa'kin.) Everyone's right. No amount of reading can best prepare you for the boards. The anatomy exam was the worst. I felt like I did not review for this subject at all eventhough I did. It became a guessing game. Again, I prayed hard. When I emerged from the room, I told my friends, "Grabe. Puwede na tayong maging manghuhula pagkatapos nito." Now I'm thinking ... where do I buy a crystal ball?

See You Next Year!

Hi peeps! I won't be blogging in a while. See you next year. God bless. :-)

The Art of Letting Go

At times, we find ourselves saying goodbye to the person we love. Goodbye doesn't necessarily mean that you stop loving the person. A friend once said that to think that love is limited to just one person is immature. You don't stop loving people just because you have someone new to love. So true. He will always be special. If we're meant to be together, God will find ways ... For now, I'm spreading my wings, hoping that they will take me to greater heights ... Will make my Mama proud ...

The Art of Letting Go (Mikaila)

Put away the pictures.

Put away the memories.

I put over and over

Through my tears

I've held them till I'm blind

They kept my hope alive

As if somehow that I'd keep you here

Once you believed in a love forever more

How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all

Unchain my heart that's holding on

How do I start to live my life alone?

Guess I'm just learning,

Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over

Say the word goodbye.

But each time it catches in my throat

You're still here in me

And I can't set you free

So I hold on to what I wanted most

Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more

Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all

Unchain my heart that's holding on

How do I start to live my life alone?

Guess I'm just learning,

Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade

What can I do?

But try to make it through the pain of one more day

Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?

I guess I'm learning, only learning,

Learning the art of letting go.

Way Back into Love

I don't wanna make my blog look like a songbook again but I just feel like posting this ... La lang. Rotten, rotten, rotten r______p!


Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
Oh oh oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
Oh oh oh

Show Me Your Smile

I'm an Apo virgin, the term the singing trio gives to people who watch them perform live for the very first time. Well, there's always a first time and mine was good, if not excellent. They orchestrated an almost seamless concert which left the audience immensely entertained. Definitely a nostalgic trip.

Show Me a Smile (Apo Hiking Society)

Show me a smile and then kiss me
Tell me you love me again
Come to my room and then lie on my bed
I love you, you know although sometimes it just doesn't show

Giving is my way of loving
The only way that I know
I've got nothing much and I've got nothing to show
I love you, you know although sometimes it doesn't seem so

Love me forever
Love me all night through
Love me for a lifetime
I live my life for only you

I love you, you know although sometimes it doesn't seem so

Love me forever
Love me all night through
Love me for a lifetime
I live my life for only you

Show me a smile and then kiss me
Tell me you love me again
Come to my room and then lie on my bed
I love you you know although sometimes it just doesn't show ...

The Dreamer of Oz

I dreamed of Oz, with her beaches, blokes and sheilas
I dreamed of the 5 kg toblerone sitting on a heapful of lollies
I dreamed of raindrops that kissed my bright red brolly
And Perth and a gang of mozzies ...

While majority of Filipinos are snoring in bed or worse ... infusing their pillows with saliva (hehehe), I'm doing some soul-searching. I've been doing this for the past 3 days or so. I wonder why. Maybe it comes with the age. This is the hard thing about being a doctor. While your high school mates are earning enough money to support the nests they can call their own, you realize that you haven't left your Mom's nest for the simple reason that you're still not capable of building a nest of your own. Your friends have already made a name for themselves. As for you, the unlicensed doctor, who still remains anonymous, save for your fellow unlicensed colleagues, carving out a niche in your profession is not within your grasp yet ... Where am I headed? Honestly, I still dunno. If there's one thing I learned from this aging process, it's to go where the wind takes you. Don't resist. Just do your best. Be brave enough to face your future. Carpe diem. Hakuna matata. Samtosa. Live by your principles. Don't lose hope. Keep the faith. Bury your past 'coz you can't do anything about it. Invest in your future. I believe that there's someone out there who guides us in everything we do. We just have to put our full trust in Him. I'm not afraid to grow old...

Samtosa

This moment ... is the way it should be. Samtosa ... the supreme joy of living in the now ...

As I write this, I hope my batchmates who took the August boards will make it. Praying for them everyday. I had a turbulent July. Closing cycles, changing chapters ... Moving on ...

Curmudgeonness

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I did. Was welcomed by a giant wave of negative thoughts. Welcome, Grouch. It's Wednesday. You woke up late. You only have a few hours left to review for Anatomy and Pharmacology. Ahd hey, you're so behind your schedule. By the way, you missed breakfast. It's lunchtime. You didn't tell Ate Lisa what to prepare for lunch so she might be cooking God-knows-what like Diningding (for the nth time ... Hey I love Diningding but eating it on a 3x weekly basis is not very appealing). It's freaking hot. Did you turn off your airconditioning unit or subconsciously selected the fan setting? WAAAAAAAH! GRRRRRRRR! Hours later ... Goodbye, Grouch. Get off me, you freak. The Tinola's oishi.

I tend to write my thoughts on any piece of paper at hand. Anyways, I found this on an old drug company notebook. Mom was on vacation a couple of months ago. I wrote this list but I didn't get to finish this. I intended to give this to her.

100 Reasons Why I'm Glad Mama's Home

1. She lights up my world.

2. I need a bearhug.

3. She makes the best macaroni salad.

4. She's like Martha Stewart (i-compare ba kay Martha Stewart) --- knows how to cross-stitch, has mastered the art of paper tole making, etc.

5. She's my ever-reliable alarm clock.

6. She's my human MIMS as well.

7. She makes stressful days seem more bearable for me.

8. She's the wind beneath my wings (AWWWW!).

9. When I lack willpower, she complements my courage.

10. I miss her orchids in full bloom.

11. She gives the best TLC massage (*sighs*).

12. She makes Moshi smell nice.

13. She's the only other person I know who thinks raw egg with rice is a superb meal (of course the other person is moi).

14. She looks like Rio Locsin and that newscaster from RPN 9. Promise. :-)

15. *I wonder why I left this blank.*

16. She's the best GP in the world.

17. She's my jogging buddy.

18. She organizes everything for me. (Yeah, she even packed my overnight/duty bags for me, telling me where I can find my toothbrush, soap, etc. as she packed. I learned every single time that you'll best remember if you were the one who did the packing. Whenever I looked for a certain item, I had to rummage through the entire bag. Ang saya. Hehe.)

19. Everything's neatly mapped out whenever she's around. (Mama's fave question over weekend breakfast is ... "So, what's our itinerary for today?"

20. She's my mall buddy.

21. I miss her hearty chuckle.

22. She supports me in every endeavor.

Bits and Pieces

Meralco was nasty today. 2x on a Saturday morning? I was looking forward to blogging and reconnecting with friends which I usually do on weekends.*sighs* Good thing my pc’s battery can still hold for an hour. So, I’m still gonna blog you inconsiderate Meralco people. Bwisit! My mom chose to watch Wendy’s guesting stint in a morning talk show rather than chat with her daughter who absolutely misses her. And she still claims that she hates Wendy. Duh. Who’s Wendy? She’s a PBB Season 2 housemate who garnered thousands of thundering BOO’s when she stepped on stage during the BIG NIGHT. Hey, I’m going out tonight. Woohoo! Gonna have dinner with my cousins. TGIS! Not that long-gone local teeny bopper show, okay. Anyways, I discovered that the Friday mags my aunt brought home from the UAE have surprisingly nice, quirky articles. I’m posting some excerpts from an article entitled Sum of All Fears.

My other childhood fear was the dark, the result of an over-active imagination and the love of scary movies ... I never understood in horror films why when the teenager's car broke down, they would think of going to the big creepy house to stay the night ... and if the front door squeaks when you open it, what other warning do you need? Just run! … 2 other rules that we should live by (or you're guaranteed to die a grisly death): first, never have a shower in a scary house or empty school dormitory (this applies especially to girls). Second, if you must investigate strange noises, always take a baseball bat or a gun with you.

Now wait ‘til the columnist sees our local “scary” movies. Hahaha.

Note: Shrumster actually thought I was smart enough to formulate my own language. Haha. Now I consider that a big compliment coming from him.

Coffeebean-ated Thoughts

The canister should have included a warning that says something like "Munching on 30 jaw-breaking chocolate-coated coffee beans will cause cracks on metal-coated teeth, palpitations and racing thoughts." To the company that sells BEST COFFEE chocolate-coated coffee beans, ***#!!! Hehe. Nah, it's okay. I'll just go visit the dentist to have my cracked molars fixed and blog to decompress my brain. Swollen brain cells from overactivity. Haha. As for the palpitations, they won't last long anyway. Anyways, so, I've been procrastinating big time. Oh no, Mama mia, reads my blogs ... Um, let me re-phrase that. I'm trying my best to study at a faster pace these days. Well, at least I'm trying. I felt so ecstatic upon watching what I thought was my last Biochem lecture only to discover that I still have 2 Biochem lectures and 2 high-yield Genetics lectures left. When was the term operon ever considered basic? Siyet! Pucha talaga. Wuhuhu. Anyways, I'm waiting for Ratatouille which is due on the big screen next week. My brother will love this movie, swear. It's about the unique friendship between a rat who knows how to cook and a human, who happens to be a frustrated chef. I can so relate, to the human I mean. Hehe. There you go. Honey, I shrank my brain cells. Now I can study the rest of Biochem. Lub--dub, lub--dub. Eurhythmia, normocardia ... Ciao! ;-)

Kurt, we put up a good fight for you but you still had to leave. I miss your presence. Hope you'll come back to us soon ... It will hurt a whole lot when years from now, you won't recognize the people who took care of you when you were still too young to remember. Who's gonna pick you up whenever you want to be cuddled? Who's gonna prepare your mashed potato? Who's gonna sing you to sleep? Who's gonna chuckle and babble with you? I hope they're taking good care of you...

NOT WHILE I'M AROUND (Barbra Streisand)

Nothing's gonna harm you

Not while I'm around

Nothing's gonna harm you

No sir, not while I'm around

Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays

I'll send them howling, I don't care, I've got ways

No one's gonna hurt you

No one's gonna dare,

Others can desert you

Not to worry, whistle I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile for awhile

But in time

Nothing can harm you, not while I'm around.

Being close and being clever

Ain't like being true,

I don't need to, I would never

Hide a thing from you

Like some

No one's gonna hurt you

No one's gonna dare

Others can desert you

Not a worry, whistle I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile for awhile

But in time

Nothing's gonna harm you

Not while I'm around

Not while I'm around

I've come to the painful realization that bright red nails don't suit me. They made me look slutty. My cousin, aunt and ex nearly laughed their heads off. Oh well. Back to the safe and reliable pastels ...

Pilgrim

PILGRIM (Enya)

Pilgrim, how you journey
on the road you chose
to find out why the winds die
and where the stories go.
All days come from one day
that much you must know,
you cannot change what's over
but only where you go.

One way leads to diamonds,
one way leads to gold,
another leads you only
to everything you're told.

In your heart you wonder
which of these is true;
the road that leads to nowhere,
the road that leads to you.

Will you find the answer
in all you say and do?
Will you find the answer
In you?

Each heart is a pilgrim,
each one wants to know
the reason why the winds die
and where the stories go.

Pilgrim, in your journey
you may travel far,
for pilgrim it's a long way
to find out who you are...

Pilgrim, it's a long way
to find out who you are...

Pilgrim, it's a long way
to find out who you are...

It's scary when you wake up one day only to find yourself asking, " Am in love with him or in love with love itself?"

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. - Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I've received a number of gasps and "whats" when people learned about my decision to wait til Feb '08 for the much-awaited license (hopefully, I'll get it...let's keep our fingers crossed). Well, there are 2 big reasons...

Reason # 1: I'm SO NOT a crammer!

Reason # 2: I multi-tasked (helped out in my bro's biz, managed the household, went on 24-hour duties) big time when I was an intern which left me really drained, emotionally and physically.

So, I've finally decided to relieve myself of the additional mental and emotional torture that the August boards would surely bring. I'm taking the Feb boards. Good luck to all my friends who'll take the August boards! Praying for you everyday...

Puzzle

I'm halfway through the completion of my puzzle
The puzzle that is me
Through the years, I patiently added and removed pieces
From the puzzle that is me
This puzzle may be Picasso to others
The more you try to understand, the more you get confused
You'll feel dazed, a bit intoxicated by the truth
Then you start doubting the truth
About the puzzle that is me
It remains a mystery to the Maker
What are your plans?
I'm halfway through the completion of my puzzle
I'm more than the past and less than the future
Tomorrow, take me to Nirvana and make me whole...

My Site's Still Alive !!!

Haha. I thought my site got removed a few months back when I checked it, 'coz I rarely blog. Good thing I re-checked and was surprised to find out that it's still very much alive. Hahaha. Now my mom can monitor my activities again. Bleh. Love you mama. Well, A LOT has happened. Dunno how to start blogging about it. I'll sleep first. I'm a bit dazed from studying those nasty enzymes in Biochem. Goodnightey everyone!

Torpedo

To the torpe guy who brought me back to high school...

Torpedo (Eraserheads)

Pasensya na
Kung ako ay
Di nagsasalita
Hindi ko kayang sabihin
Ang aking nadarama
Huwag mo na akong pilitin
Ako ay walang lakas ng loob
Para tumanggi
Walang dapat ipagtaka
Ako ay ipinanganak
Na torpe
Sa ayaw at hindi
Pasensya na
Kung ikaw ay naiinis
Ayoko na sanang
Pag-usapan pa
Kung gusto mo ay
Manood ka na lang ng sine
Di ba huwebes ngayon
Baka may bago nang palabas
Huwag mo na akong pilitin
Ako ay walang lakas ng loob
Para tumanggi
Walang dapat ipagtaka
Ako ay ipinanganak
Na torpe
Diyan sa tabi-tabi
Pasensya na
Kung ako ay naiiyak
Mababaw lang talaga ang luha ko
Di ko mapigil
Ang aking damdamin
Puede bang umalis ka na
Tumutunog na ang beeper mo

What About Love?

My blog site's starting to look like a song book again. Hehe. Heard this song while I was working on my census a couple of duty nights ago. Thought of the guy I went out with a month ago. Now that the fight-filled days have ended, I can now face stormy August with a genuine smile. I do not wish to continue our story any further. Some things are just not meant to be.

"What About Love?"

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?
No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

[Chorus:]

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?
How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

[Chorus]

I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

[Chorus]

What About Love?

My blog site's starting to look like a song book again. Hehe. Heard this song while I was working on my census a couple of duty nights ago. Thought of the guy I went out with a month ago. Now that the fight-filled days have ended, I can now face stormy August with a genuine smile. I do not wish to continue our story any further. Some things are just not meant to be.

"What About Love?"

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?
No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

[Chorus:]

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?
How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

[Chorus]

I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

[Chorus]

Love in 3 Perspectives

A story of love in three perspectives...we could be the tree, the leaf or the wind once in our lives for all we know...

TREE

People call me "Tree" .

I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There's one girl who I love a lot but never dared to go after. She didn't have a pretty face, or good figure, nor an outstanding charm. She was just an ordinary girl.I liked her. I really liked her.I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her was because I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together, all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her. I felt that if she were my girl, she'd be mine ultimately and I didn't have to give up everything just for her.The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years.She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years. She was a good actress and me a demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled and said, "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I didn't want to know what caused her to cry.Later that day, I returned from soccer training to get something and watched her cry in the classroom for an hour or so.My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character, she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided my girlfriend. I shouted at her and ignored her feelings then walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing and joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she didn't know deep down inside I was hurt too.When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day,I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my breakup.Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together. I knew who the guy was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the school.I didn't show her my heartache, just smiles and best wishes. Once I reached home, I couldn't breathe. Tears rolled and I broke down. How many times have I seen her cry for the man who didn't acknowledge her presence?During graduation, I received a text message from her. It said, "Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because the Tree didn't ask her to stay ..."

LEAF

People call me "Leaf".

During the 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learned a feeling I never should've learned - jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my happiness.But after a month, he got together with another girl.I liked him and I know he liked me. But why won't he pursue me? If he really loves me, why didn't he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time,I began to suspect that this was one sided love. If he didn't like me,why did he treat me so well? It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out.You can't expect from a girl like me to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me too. And because of this, I waited for him.Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years. At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me.He's like the cool and gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from atree. In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land.Finally leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled and didn't ask the leaf to stay."Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because the Tree didn't ask her to stay...

WIND

People call me "Wind".

Because I like a girl called "Leaf". Because she's so dependent on the tree so I have to be a gust wind, a wind that will blow her away.When I first met her, it was 1 month after I transfer to the new school.I saw a petite person looking at my seniors and me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. When he talks with girls, there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes.Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left.The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled at her, took out a note and gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled, and accepts the note.The day after, she appeared and passes me a note and left. "Leaf's heart is too heavy and the wind couldn't blow her away"."It's not that leaf's heart is too heavy. It's simply because leaf never wants to leave the tree". I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me and accept my presents and phone calls.I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverancethat one day, I will make her like me.Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times.Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I'm really decided for her to be mine, I will definitely use all meansto win her over.I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. AlthoughI know she will always try to change the topic, I still bear a small ray of hope deep within me, that she will agree to be my girlfriend. And so I asked her again.I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?""I'm nodding my head", she said."Huh?" I couldn't believe my ears."I'm nodding my head", she replied loudly.I hang up the phone, quickly changed, took a taxi and rushed to her place. My hands were trembling when I pressed the doorbell.I hugged her tightly as she opened the door."Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because the Tree didn't ask her to stay..."

Alipin

I don't care if this song is linked to a Korean telenovela. I love it! Oh, and I love Korean telenovelas too. Hehe.

Alipin

Hindi ko man maamin
Ikaw ay mahalaga sa akin
Hindi ko man maisip
Sa pagtulog ikaw ang panaginip
Malabo man ang aking pag-iisip
Sana'y pakinggan mo ang sigaw nitong damdamin
Chorus:
Ako'y alipin mo kahit hindi batid
Aaminin ko minsan ako'y manhid
Sana ay iyong naririnig
Sa 'yong yakap ako'y nasasabik
Ayoko sa iba
Sa 'yo ako ay hindi magsasawa
Ano man ang 'yong sabihin
Umasa ka ito ay diringgin
Madalas man na parang aso at pusa
Giliw sa piling mo ako ay masaya
Ako'y alipin mo kahit hindi batid
Aaminin ko minsan ako'y manhid
Sana ay iyong naririnig
Sa 'yong yakap ako'y nasasabik
Pilit mang abutin ang mga tala
Basta sa akin 'wag kang mawawala...
Ako'y alipin mo kahit hindi batid
Aaminin ko minsan ako'y manhid
Sana ay iyong naririnig
Sa 'yong yakap ako'y nasasabik
'Pagkat ikaw lang ang nais makatabi
Malamig man o mainit ang gabi
Nais ko sanang iparating na ikaw lamang ang aking iibigin

The Surgical Intern

Can't believe that more than a month of internship just flew by. One thing I love about Chinese General Hospital is FREE FOOD - lots of it! I pigged out initially on 3 dishes and a cup of rice per meal but started to crash diet when friends started to point out how extra puffy cheeked I looked. Since then, I've trimmed down my rice intake to 2 heaping tablespoonfuls (no more, no less). Quite happy with the results so far. Now I can wear my pants without looking like a tightly wrapped suman. I go on 24-hour duty every 3 days. Duty days are the most "toxic" and were made more "toxic" by a handful of patients who go in for not-so-worthy ER cases such as a dead toenail or a simple "pigsa sa puwet." Duh. Other days are more manageable. Quite fun actually 'coz I'm rotating in Community Medicine as well. I get to spend more days seeing patients in the community (urban 'coz the clinic's along Del Monte Avenue) and socializing with interns from other hospitals. A typical day in the community goes like this:

8:00-9:30 a.m. - attendance/sleeping time

9:30-10:30 a.m.- I start seeing patients (Consultation Period)

10:30-11:00 a.m. - merienda

11:00-11:30 a.m. - Consultation Period

11:30-2:00 p.m. - lunch/siesta/DVD time

2:00 - 4:00 p.m. - Consultation Period

Life surely tastes like vanilla along Del Monte Avenue...

Ampao

Ampao...Hope I spelled it right. You see, I have a trickle of Chinese blood in my veins (just a trickle! Great grandma's half-Chinese) so I dunno if I spelled it right. All I know is, it's this loot envelope (red with some gold design) which contains money. I'm now an official medical intern at Chinese General Hospital. My goal? To render good patient care. How will I know if I'm doing this well? By the number of ampaos I'll be getting from my patients. Hehehe. Am just kidding. Internship started May first. Luckily, got assigned to Surgery/Community Medicine so my schedule's still bearable. Even got to watch MI3 then videoked with my brods and sisses a couple of days ago. Hey, we should do this more often. Hope Ruthie goes with us next time. Miss her big time. I'm badly missing someone who's so busy these days that I rarely get to talk to him everytime I go online. Hmp. Going online these days takes much effort, sir. Internship is a lot more difficult than clerkship. Actually depends on the hospital one's rotating in. At Chinese General Hospital, we have A LOT TO DO. So far, the longest sleeping time I've enjoyed during duty nights is close to 2 hours. So there, hope to hear MORE from you soon. Oh...and I haven't watched The Matrix yet so your YM status is still Greek to me.

My fave lines from the movie Serendipity (incidentally, a fortunate accident happened this week):


Jonathan: I just had a really great time and for all we know I wouldn't be able to find you again.

Sara: Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. It's just not the right time now.

Jonathan: Maybe we're supposed to meet on British time and we're five hours too early.


Dean: ... life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.


3 months...A lot can happen in 3 months. We'll see, my friend. Que sera sera.

Summer 2006

Passed the revalida thank God. Mama's back to see me graduate. Whee! I don't need to wear my worn-out pair of clerkship shoes again. As for internship which is a couple of days away, I'm positively dreading it. Well, what's new? Suffered from pre-clerkship jitters a year ago but I survived. Hehe. I hope I'll be able to coax Mama into giving me that decent out-of-town hibernation I truly deserve. Puhleaz Mama mia!

To the souls that I met along Clerkship Lane:

I am thankful
For the golden rays that touched our soil
I am thankful
For the birds that greeted our days
I am thankful
For the moon during those dreary nights
I am thankful
For the tears that reached the seas
I am thankful
For the smiles that lit the skies
I am thankful
For the conversations, the hopes, the dreams, the wanting and the needing
I am thankful
That God led me to thee...

Currently loving this song...I have yet to hear Cueshe's version...

"Hard to Believe"
(Eraserheads)

I find it hard to believe
That all the pain that we are feeling
Has some meaning in this world
It's so hard to believe
That everything you see is different
From the things that you've been told
I wanted life to be this way
Just a little bit of love could mean so much
Oh please don't take it all away
But with you heaven is still close enough to touch
I find it hard to believe
That someone up there is waiting
With arms open wide and smiling
It's so hard to believe
When someone told me that your suffering
Is what you get for living
I wanted life to be this way
Just a little bit of love could mean so much
Oh please don't take it all away
But with you heaven is still close enough to touch
Because your love is still the only thing
That matters in this world
The only thing I can believe...

Cramming for Revalida

5 days to go before I face my tribe during the dreaded Revalida (THE gruelling oral examination that every Thomasian medical clerk needs to pass in order to graduate) . I'm cramming as usual. Decided to decongest the inbox of my cellphone (my old phone got stolen, don't have a copy of the numbers in my phone book so I lost contact with some of the most important people in my life.grr! and the guilt-free guy still had the nerve to text my mom using my old SIM and ask for money!ranting again...) 'coz the NO SPACE FOR NEW MESSAGES flashing incessantly on my phone's screen is causing further agitation...

1. A stoic wondering..."Life is tricky isn't it? You want things you can't get. You get things you don't want. You get things you used to want but not anymore. You want things you used to get but not anymore. When you finally get what you want, you want something else. When you finally want what you get, you get something else. Funny how we make life seem absurd when it's not."

2. A stranger approached a child and asked, "What is love?" The child answered, "Hmmm...Love is when you tell a boy you like his shirt and he wears it everyday."

3. Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you felt so empty for no reason? Have you ever felt so down but you just can't tell why? Have you ever felt like the world suddenly spins around you and you are caught in the middle going nowhere? Weird isn't it? But that's the beauty of being human. It is knowing that there is a purpose for each existence. And whatever that may be, it is also the reason why we still wake up breathing each morning... to discover that missing piece of puzzle that would make our lives complete.

4. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it but you just have to keep on trying...because someday, who knows? It might fall...

5. Soulmates are never found by grasping every hand you see and testing if both your hands fit together. But instead, it's that certain someone who stares back at you at the other side of life when you lose consciousness of everything else around you and you feel a few seconds of what eternity really means.

Hanta Yo

When 4th year happens, clerkship happens. Clerkship is when people start thinking that sleep is priceless, when people start considering an impending blepharoplasty, when social lives go further downhill, when strangers become good friends and good friends become enemies, when strangers become lovers and lovers become strangers again, when people who absolutely hate coffee become addicted to it, when partygoers become nerds and nerds become partygoers, when stable egos crash and unstable ones go berserk.Clerkship becomes fun when you start mustering the guts to go out there.It's not easy but it's worth the try. Clerkship introduced me to beautiful people. Forget the nasty ones. They're not blog-worthy anyway. Hehe. Through clerkship, I met a really beautiful person, whose weirdness was extraordinary (redundance intended). "Ahbleza" or Shitting Horse (for no particular reason) to some, dreams of getting maried to an American Indian from South Dakota, wears a Bohemian outfit to parties, dances like she's been possessed by the spirits (we have videos to prove this), writes soulful poems which are truly blogworthy (too bad she wants to keep them private), paints like a pro, brings out the profoundness of ho-hum comments and reads Hanta yo (Clear the Way) with gusto. This book, which was based on a Lakota historical document (basically a saga of the American Indians), was so carefully and tediously written, that it took the author (Ruth Beebe Hill), a quarter of a century to complete it! I scanned some of its pages with "Ahbleza." The book deserves 5 stars.Here's an excerpt from the book...

I stand at the center and the light shines all around me. And now I know that my spirit glowing makes this light. I come into power with the sun for I am like the sun. I am my own light.

Here at the center I see the meaning of things, all things. And I know that I am the meaning. The whole meaning.

The four directions come together in me. I am the center and everything flows from me, returns to me.

I am that which they call great mystery. I am that which each calls Wakantanka before coming here, before seeing the light.

I am here and so I know. Here I know everything. Here I know myself.

I am thought and will. And nothing sits above my will.

I am pride and joy. And nothing sits above my joy.

I own my life. And only mine. And so I shall appreciate my person. And so I shall make proper use of myself.

I stand here in the light of my own presence and I recognize my power.

I am reason. And nothing sits above my choice.

I am truth. And so I live in the spirit. And so I live forever.

I am the oneness of the whole. And whatever happens, happens in me.

I am Ahbleza. I own the earth.

The morning after the blast of firecrackers that revived my dependence on earplugs, I looked out the window and saw a flock of white birds buildings away from my nearly deserted apartment (save for a few souls packing their bags and psyching themself up for the inevitable family reunion). Against the smoggy backdrop, these birds flew together, following a graceful pattern they invisibly drew on the grayish sky. White against gray. I stood mesmerized at the eccentric combination. Wait...My mind started to doubt what I saw...A flock of birds merrymaking along the skies of polluted Manila? Surreal but nice. Happy new year!

The Mysterious Thing Called "Love"

Again, for the hopeless romantic...

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return.Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.If you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. There is where many lovers go wrong.Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need.They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love.They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that itcan be made to grow only by giving it away.Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover,there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.The Mysterious thing called "LOVE"....

It's rare for a friendship to go beyond time, space and differences. Even rarer for a friendship to cross these borders effortlessly. I'm glad that our paths crossed. But, if for some reason, you have to go, fret not. I'd gladly welcome an old friend back to my world. Anytime...Even if it would mean going back to square one. Miss the good times, mah friend.

Just decongesting my cellphone's inbox...

1. Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, a guy who calls back when you hang up on him, a guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, the guy who wants to show you off to the world even when you're in sweat, the guy who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the guy who constantly reminds you of how lucky he is to have you. Settle with the guy who proudly turns to his friends and says, "That's her! The one I love...My everything...My life."

2. If you look inside a girl's heart and see how much she cries, you'll find secrets, promises and dreams but what you'll see the most is how hard she tries to stay strong when nothing is right and everything is wrong.

3. I've realized that life is indeed full of contradictions. Sometimes it's crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly, people suffer because you care...You have to unlearn to know the lesson, you have to give up because you are strong, you have to be wrong to make things right...Nonetheless, life's complexities are also life's source of beauty. We should cry to laugh again, fall apart to be whole again, and get hurt to love again...

4. A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes, it could be as quiet as a feather falling. And the most painful thing is , nobody hears it but you.

5. You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

6. If the sun shines in your soul, does it matter if it rains outside? Happiness within overlooks the sadness that any event may bring.

I'll Miss the Boy

To the boy...
Who never fails to give me a wake-up message
Who called me up from his hometown just to ask for advice about an emotional catastrophe
Who's such a hopeless romantic that he has daily love quotes on his phone
Who was nice enough to give me a copy of my fave rock songs
Who loves the beach so much that he doesn't mind going there alone
Who listens to Marilyn Manson's songs during bedtime
Who doesn't know much about computers that he depends on the computer shop staff for his powerpoint presentation and word documents
Whose favorite YM icon's the devil
Who hates coffee but likes native hot choco
Who usually spends review nights at a coffee shop but orders juice
Who loves lechon and seafood, but for some reason, orders chicken dishes every single day whenever he's in Manila
Who loves fishing
Who can speak and understand all 4 dialects in his hometown
Who rarely falls head over heels in love but when he does, he does it with a deafening crash and every aspect of his life gets disturbed
Who calls me ate/lola and can get away with it
Who I fondly call ingkong
Who always ends every text message with hehe
Who can sleep for 15 straight hours without feeling light-headed
Who doesn't smoke nor drink but is an occasional gambler...
I know you'll be busy once more. It was fun getting to know you better. Thanks for the friendship. Hope to hear from you still. Good luck in everything. :-)

A Torpe Girl's Letter

Months ago, I was really infatuated with someone. I felt kinda frustrated 'coz I was so torpe (again!). I passed up golden opportunities to get to know the guy better 'coz I aways got tongue-tied whenever he was around. One night, after analyzing my situation, a close friend felt that it was time to make the "move." The funny thing was my friend's a guy! He composed such a beautifully-written letter that I nearly followed his advice. Of course, I eventually chickened out. What happened to the guy? We're still friends. Hehe. The special feelings spontaneously ceased. I don't want the letter to go into waste though, so I'm sharing it with you. :-)

Women have come a long way. I have read of years before when women were shackled into tiny wooden shoes so that their feet would not grow well and they would have to stay at home just minding the house.

Women used to married off, most often to the highest bidder. Their value depended on how well they cooked, how beautiful they were at parties, and how many children they could produce.

They used to say that women were not fit to hold positions of responsibility. Heck, women could not even vote. They had no power over anything except maybe their babies. They even had no power over their bodies.

Now, things are better. Women can buy their own shoes, and we know of some like Imelda who have thousands. More importantly, women can now go where they please. Women can now choose who they marry. Their value depends not on how many kids they could produce or how pretty they are, but on what they can contribute to society. Of course there would be some who would disagree.

Women now hold positions of responsibility. They can now vote. In fact, we have a woman in Malacanang. In some places, women can even abort their babies which is sad. But still, it proves a point. In terms of freedom, power and place in society, women have indeed come a long way.

Yet, notwithstanding all these, it seems that our society still does not fully allow women to express freely and without stigma how they truly feel. When a woman tells a man she likes him, or acts in a way that will catch his eye, she is said to be a flirt, cheap, easy girl…When a man fails to express upfront what he feels, he’s weak, pathetic, basically a loser. So, is our society pressuring males to be virtuous and truthful while punishing women who are the same? Why are men who say what they mean considered great men and women who say and do what they feel considered bad girls?

Truth is, I don’t know. But I write at the risk of being labeled as a flirt, cheap, easy girl blah blah blah because I need to tell you that I really like you. I don’t really know why. I haven’t known you for a long time but when I see you, I feel happy. Good things seem great when you are there and the bad things are just more bearable.

I really would like to get to know you better.

I ask for nothing except that you not consider me a cheap, easy girl for I am not. I am just a girl who one night gathered the courage to defy convention and say what she actually feels.

At the End of the Day

At the End of the Day

by Michael Hussin B. Muin, M.D.

Doctors are leaving. We’ve read the bitter reviews, the harsh editorials and the sensational news. Filipino doctors are packing their bags and taking the next flight out of the country. It doesn’t matter where or as what. The bottom line is that they're out of here—and Philippine society is angry.It’s easy to lump individuals into professional categories: doctors, specialists, general practitioners. When headlines shout “Doctors are leaving”, it conjures an image of a crowd in a cinema running and fighting their way to the exit as if a fire just occurred. In this instance, it doesn’t matter where you end up as long as you don’t end up dead. Anywhere but here, as an old saying goes.Is this far from the truth? I honestly don’t know. I only know that there are familiar faces in the crowd: classmates, friends, teachers and mentors. And they are not running. They are sitting silently in the corner, deep in thought but ready to make their next move.My friend told me a story once. He was in a Florida club with a white female friend. This was just after he passed the local boards. A white dude came up to him and insulted him with racist remarks. His female companion defended him, saying he was a Filipino doctor. The dude just had one thing to say to my friend, “So, what does that make you HERE?” My friend replied, “Nothing. That makes me nothing at all.”It is a true story. Sad, but true. It also drives the point that some doctors, when they leave for other countries, may also be leaving their hard-earned degrees. Ten years of sleepless nights, stressful days and neck-breaking hours in between—all down the drain.Only a few understand the rigors of medical training. The prized M.D. degree consumes almost 10 years of a person’s life. If you add residency training, by the time the new specialists graduate, they’d have spent half of their lives going after a goal—to be a doctor.But beyond the time and the labor, fewer people understand the support behind every medical student or resident physician. For many, medicine is not an individual goal; it is a collective dream—nourished by fathers and mothers way before medical school. Nobody survives medical school or residency training without moral and financial support.We know the stories: an OFW in Saudi cannot go home until his daughter becomes a doctor; a caregiver in Canada continually sends half her income to pay tuition for her brother in med school; a government employee foregoes retirement to fund materials and equipment for her son in residency training. There is no dearth of stories, as each will have his own. Behind one doctor’s dream is a collection of family sacrifices—family sacrifices that may have to be paid in full.It’s not surprising new physicians or specialist are running up and about, ready to put all their training to use. They need to earn. Let me repeat that, they need to earn. With a certificate in one hand and some idealism in the other, they stand at a crossroad.Doctors practice their trade wherever and whenever they can. Some go home to their provinces, while some try their luck in urban centers. Some take up additional training, while some set up small clinics. Some apply for admitting privileges in hospitals, while some get affiliations from HMOs. Working hours may start as early as 5 am and may end as late as midnight.But at the end of the day, in the confines of their own homes, they hang up their stethoscopes and tuck away their degrees. They watch the news and eat stale dinners like everyone else. They play with their kids and put them to sleep like everyone else. They go to bed tired and weary like everyone else. Because at the end of the day, these doctors are not doctors. They are fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, husband and wives. And much like everyone else, they worry about their future and their family’s future.As the exodus continues, Philippine society will see doctors leaving careers and patients behind. But in the confines of homes in different parts of the country, we see fathers and mothers leaving families behind, sons and daughters saying goodbyes, and husbands and wives praying for a bright future. At the end of the day, we are not losing doctors, we are losing loved ones.Almost a year ago, my good friend told me he was leaving for Trinidad and Tobago as a UN Volunteer Doctor. I didn’t ask about his career, his degree or his plans. The only question I asked was “Paano anak mo, asawa mo?” And with a long sigh and a short smile, he answered, “Para sa kanila naman ito.”And that is where many doctors find themselves at. With a plane ticket in one hand and a good dose of reality in the other, they stand at a new crossroad—where paths lead to faraway places and foreign countries, where the only things they can bring are what they can fit in their hearts, and possibly some pictures in their wallet.I may soon find myself standing at that crossroad—falling in line and holding that crisp boarding pass in my hand. But I don’t dread the day some white dude would walk up to me and say, “So, what does that make you HERE?”.It makes me a father. At the end of the day, in the confines of my rented space in a foreign land, my son is more important to me than a piece of paper hanging on a wall.

---------------------Michael Hussin B. Muin, M.D. is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Pinoy.MD - The Website for Filipino Doctors. He is a professor of Clinical Anatomy and Medical Informatics in Pangasinan.

Morning Has Broken

5 minutes ago, I tediously assessed what clerkship has done to my face so far. I saw STRESSED-OUT written all over it. I badly need some pampering. Perhaps a day at the spa will do me good. I need lots of sleep I know but I've always been tempted to blog and chat away. I look around and see the "organized clutter" I've created since my rotation in Surgery started. Unfinished papers lay scattered 2 feet away. Geez. Lots of more important things to do. I better set my priorities straight...I long for tomorrow, I long for the sunrise...Somehow, it makes me smile still...

Morning Has Broken (Cat Stevens)

Morning has broken, like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird

Praise for the singing, praise for the morning

Praise for them springing fresh from the world

Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven

Like the first dewfall, on the first grass

Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden

Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning

Born of the one light, eden saw play

Praise with elation, praise every morning

God’s recreation of the new day

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful
James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
He smiled at me on the subway.
He was with another girl.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, he caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
He could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
F***ing high,
And I don't think that I'll see him again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on his face,
When he thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,I will never be with you.

I was at the laundry shop hours ago. I was still kinda dazed from last night's duty when I heard it. My song for THE GUY, well, whoever he is. Of all nights, why this night, when I have lots of school-related things in my mind? Am I going to meet THE GUY soon or am I really headed for spinsterhood? Honestly, right now, for some reason, I am happy. Right now, I'm thinking, hey I don't need a man to validate my life.Wherever this rollercoaster ride leads me, I am willing to get slapped by the cold, unyielding air or the friendly rays of the sun. LIFE, I (single or not) am dying to embrace you.

The song...

AS LONG AS IT MATTERS

How can I find something

That two can take

Without stumbling as we

Walk into our future's wake

I'm like a broken record

That you can play

Repeating as if it matters

Everything I want to say

I'll be all right

As long as it matters

As long as you're here with me now

Forget that time

It's nothing we touch and see

All this is fine

Even as it crashes down on me

I'm looking around

There's nothing that I could want

More than to tell you

There's no more than we've already got

I'll be all right

As long as it matters

As long as you're here with me now...

Forget that our time is almost up

I'll be all right..

Uncheesify Me

Another string of cheesy lines I penned amidst the sweltering heat that certainly felt like summer’s. Funny. I wrote this while seated in one of those old plastic benches at Fabella Hospital. I was waiting for mother wanna-be’s to show up and fill the empty slots of my OPD form…

I see the sun
I see you
I feel the wind
I feel you
I make a wish
I wish for you
Friend, when will you start to feel like I do?

Hehehe. Pau and Carol nearly choked to death for this cheesiness. Carol then wrote a poem for me. Another on-the-spot creation which was so much better than mine. Hehe.

If you would only look
Beyond what you can see
Then you would know
What I feel for thee

If you would only smile
Along my way
Then you would know
You have made my day

If you would only hold
My hand in yours
Then you would know
You have opened new doors

If you would only place
Your heart in mine
Then I would know
What is divine

Now I dare you all to uncheesify these. Hehehe. On a sidenote, I’d like to thank my good friend Dean for the MP3 songs. Looking forward to hearing each one of them. Domo arigato gozaimasu.

Orange and Lemons...Medigras!

I don't look it, but I can switch from sappy to alternative with ease. Recently, I've been digging a lot of alternative songs. Good to learn that the local hitlist is predominantly OPM these days. Go Noy-pi! Caught Orange and Lemons on stage weeks ago. Their front act, Itchy Worms, were equally good. Can't wait to get a copy of their album. I think it will be out next month. Days ago, watched bands perform during Medigras (organized by my sisses and brods). Hail TLP! Strange that I'm missing Weezer these days. My friend said he'd give me a copy of their songs. Where's the copy Dean? Hehe. Nah. Med school makes people forget sometimes. You are forgiven.

Buddy Holly (Weezer)

What's with these homies dissin' my girl?
Why do they gotta front?
What did we ever do to these guys
That made them so violent?
Woo-hoo, but you know I'm yours.
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine.
Woo-hoo, and that's for all of time.
[chorus]
Woo-ee-oo, I look just like Buddy Holly.
Oh-Oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
I don't care what they say about us anyway.
I don't care 'bout that.
Don't you ever fear, I'm always near.
I know that you need help.
Your tongue is twisted, your eyes are slit.
You need a guardian.
Woo-hoo, and you know I'm yours.
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine.
Woo-hoo, and that's for all of time.
[chorus]
I don't care 'bout that.
Bang! Bang!
Knock on the door, another big bang, get down on the floor.
Oh No! What do we do?
Don't look now but I lost my shoe.
I can't run and I can't kick.
What's a matter babe, are you feelin' sick?
What's a matter, what's a matter, what's a matter you?
What's a matter babe, are you feelin' blue?
Oh-oh-oh!
And that's for all of time. (x2)
[chorus]
I don't care 'bout that. (x3)

Still Alive

To those of you who have been wondering what this girl's been up to these past few months...well, I've been real busy. So busy that my e-box registered 1000+ unread messages! Insane. Wrote a couple of cheesy poems (yet to be un-cheesified) and ate loads of cheezy fries. I'm starting to realize, as I'm typing away, that I'm starting to get really lost...and sleepy and corny. I need to sleep. I should stop blabbering away.

Maselang Bahaghari

Isn't life weird? Just when you thought your ears have heard enough of E-heads, your brother starts playing this song...

Akala ko ay dagat, yun pala ay alat
Akala ko'y pumasok, sablay
Pikit ko ang aking mata,
ikaw ang nakikita
Akala ko'y wala ng saysay...

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan
'Wag kang mabahala di kita malilimutan
Paglipas ng ulan ay mapapangiti ang araw
'Wag sanang mawala ang maselang bahaghari

Akala ko ay cool ako, may ulap na sa ulo
Akala ko'y ang pera'y tunay
Pikit mo ang iyong mata, ano ang nakikita
Akala ko'y wala ng saysay...

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan
'Wag kang mabahala di kita malilimutan
Paglipas ng ulan ay mapapangiti ang araw
'Wag sanang mawala ang maselang bahaghari