Torpedo

To the torpe guy who brought me back to high school...

Torpedo (Eraserheads)

Pasensya na
Kung ako ay
Di nagsasalita
Hindi ko kayang sabihin
Ang aking nadarama
Huwag mo na akong pilitin
Ako ay walang lakas ng loob
Para tumanggi
Walang dapat ipagtaka
Ako ay ipinanganak
Na torpe
Sa ayaw at hindi
Pasensya na
Kung ikaw ay naiinis
Ayoko na sanang
Pag-usapan pa
Kung gusto mo ay
Manood ka na lang ng sine
Di ba huwebes ngayon
Baka may bago nang palabas
Huwag mo na akong pilitin
Ako ay walang lakas ng loob
Para tumanggi
Walang dapat ipagtaka
Ako ay ipinanganak
Na torpe
Diyan sa tabi-tabi
Pasensya na
Kung ako ay naiiyak
Mababaw lang talaga ang luha ko
Di ko mapigil
Ang aking damdamin
Puede bang umalis ka na
Tumutunog na ang beeper mo

What About Love?

My blog site's starting to look like a song book again. Hehe. Heard this song while I was working on my census a couple of duty nights ago. Thought of the guy I went out with a month ago. Now that the fight-filled days have ended, I can now face stormy August with a genuine smile. I do not wish to continue our story any further. Some things are just not meant to be.

"What About Love?"

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?
No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

[Chorus:]

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?
How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

[Chorus]

I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

[Chorus]

What About Love?

My blog site's starting to look like a song book again. Hehe. Heard this song while I was working on my census a couple of duty nights ago. Thought of the guy I went out with a month ago. Now that the fight-filled days have ended, I can now face stormy August with a genuine smile. I do not wish to continue our story any further. Some things are just not meant to be.

"What About Love?"

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?
No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

[Chorus:]

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?
How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

[Chorus]

I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

[Chorus]

Love in 3 Perspectives

A story of love in three perspectives...we could be the tree, the leaf or the wind once in our lives for all we know...

TREE

People call me "Tree" .

I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There's one girl who I love a lot but never dared to go after. She didn't have a pretty face, or good figure, nor an outstanding charm. She was just an ordinary girl.I liked her. I really liked her.I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her was because I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together, all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her. I felt that if she were my girl, she'd be mine ultimately and I didn't have to give up everything just for her.The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years.She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years. She was a good actress and me a demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled and said, "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I didn't want to know what caused her to cry.Later that day, I returned from soccer training to get something and watched her cry in the classroom for an hour or so.My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character, she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided my girlfriend. I shouted at her and ignored her feelings then walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing and joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she didn't know deep down inside I was hurt too.When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day,I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my breakup.Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together. I knew who the guy was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the school.I didn't show her my heartache, just smiles and best wishes. Once I reached home, I couldn't breathe. Tears rolled and I broke down. How many times have I seen her cry for the man who didn't acknowledge her presence?During graduation, I received a text message from her. It said, "Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because the Tree didn't ask her to stay ..."

LEAF

People call me "Leaf".

During the 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learned a feeling I never should've learned - jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my happiness.But after a month, he got together with another girl.I liked him and I know he liked me. But why won't he pursue me? If he really loves me, why didn't he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time,I began to suspect that this was one sided love. If he didn't like me,why did he treat me so well? It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out.You can't expect from a girl like me to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me too. And because of this, I waited for him.Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years. At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me.He's like the cool and gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from atree. In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land.Finally leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled and didn't ask the leaf to stay."Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because the Tree didn't ask her to stay...

WIND

People call me "Wind".

Because I like a girl called "Leaf". Because she's so dependent on the tree so I have to be a gust wind, a wind that will blow her away.When I first met her, it was 1 month after I transfer to the new school.I saw a petite person looking at my seniors and me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. When he talks with girls, there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes.Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left.The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled at her, took out a note and gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled, and accepts the note.The day after, she appeared and passes me a note and left. "Leaf's heart is too heavy and the wind couldn't blow her away"."It's not that leaf's heart is too heavy. It's simply because leaf never wants to leave the tree". I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me and accept my presents and phone calls.I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverancethat one day, I will make her like me.Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times.Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I'm really decided for her to be mine, I will definitely use all meansto win her over.I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. AlthoughI know she will always try to change the topic, I still bear a small ray of hope deep within me, that she will agree to be my girlfriend. And so I asked her again.I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?""I'm nodding my head", she said."Huh?" I couldn't believe my ears."I'm nodding my head", she replied loudly.I hang up the phone, quickly changed, took a taxi and rushed to her place. My hands were trembling when I pressed the doorbell.I hugged her tightly as she opened the door."Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because the Tree didn't ask her to stay..."

Alipin

I don't care if this song is linked to a Korean telenovela. I love it! Oh, and I love Korean telenovelas too. Hehe.

Alipin

Hindi ko man maamin
Ikaw ay mahalaga sa akin
Hindi ko man maisip
Sa pagtulog ikaw ang panaginip
Malabo man ang aking pag-iisip
Sana'y pakinggan mo ang sigaw nitong damdamin
Chorus:
Ako'y alipin mo kahit hindi batid
Aaminin ko minsan ako'y manhid
Sana ay iyong naririnig
Sa 'yong yakap ako'y nasasabik
Ayoko sa iba
Sa 'yo ako ay hindi magsasawa
Ano man ang 'yong sabihin
Umasa ka ito ay diringgin
Madalas man na parang aso at pusa
Giliw sa piling mo ako ay masaya
Ako'y alipin mo kahit hindi batid
Aaminin ko minsan ako'y manhid
Sana ay iyong naririnig
Sa 'yong yakap ako'y nasasabik
Pilit mang abutin ang mga tala
Basta sa akin 'wag kang mawawala...
Ako'y alipin mo kahit hindi batid
Aaminin ko minsan ako'y manhid
Sana ay iyong naririnig
Sa 'yong yakap ako'y nasasabik
'Pagkat ikaw lang ang nais makatabi
Malamig man o mainit ang gabi
Nais ko sanang iparating na ikaw lamang ang aking iibigin

The Surgical Intern

Can't believe that more than a month of internship just flew by. One thing I love about Chinese General Hospital is FREE FOOD - lots of it! I pigged out initially on 3 dishes and a cup of rice per meal but started to crash diet when friends started to point out how extra puffy cheeked I looked. Since then, I've trimmed down my rice intake to 2 heaping tablespoonfuls (no more, no less). Quite happy with the results so far. Now I can wear my pants without looking like a tightly wrapped suman. I go on 24-hour duty every 3 days. Duty days are the most "toxic" and were made more "toxic" by a handful of patients who go in for not-so-worthy ER cases such as a dead toenail or a simple "pigsa sa puwet." Duh. Other days are more manageable. Quite fun actually 'coz I'm rotating in Community Medicine as well. I get to spend more days seeing patients in the community (urban 'coz the clinic's along Del Monte Avenue) and socializing with interns from other hospitals. A typical day in the community goes like this:

8:00-9:30 a.m. - attendance/sleeping time

9:30-10:30 a.m.- I start seeing patients (Consultation Period)

10:30-11:00 a.m. - merienda

11:00-11:30 a.m. - Consultation Period

11:30-2:00 p.m. - lunch/siesta/DVD time

2:00 - 4:00 p.m. - Consultation Period

Life surely tastes like vanilla along Del Monte Avenue...

Ampao

Ampao...Hope I spelled it right. You see, I have a trickle of Chinese blood in my veins (just a trickle! Great grandma's half-Chinese) so I dunno if I spelled it right. All I know is, it's this loot envelope (red with some gold design) which contains money. I'm now an official medical intern at Chinese General Hospital. My goal? To render good patient care. How will I know if I'm doing this well? By the number of ampaos I'll be getting from my patients. Hehehe. Am just kidding. Internship started May first. Luckily, got assigned to Surgery/Community Medicine so my schedule's still bearable. Even got to watch MI3 then videoked with my brods and sisses a couple of days ago. Hey, we should do this more often. Hope Ruthie goes with us next time. Miss her big time. I'm badly missing someone who's so busy these days that I rarely get to talk to him everytime I go online. Hmp. Going online these days takes much effort, sir. Internship is a lot more difficult than clerkship. Actually depends on the hospital one's rotating in. At Chinese General Hospital, we have A LOT TO DO. So far, the longest sleeping time I've enjoyed during duty nights is close to 2 hours. So there, hope to hear MORE from you soon. Oh...and I haven't watched The Matrix yet so your YM status is still Greek to me.

My fave lines from the movie Serendipity (incidentally, a fortunate accident happened this week):


Jonathan: I just had a really great time and for all we know I wouldn't be able to find you again.

Sara: Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. It's just not the right time now.

Jonathan: Maybe we're supposed to meet on British time and we're five hours too early.


Dean: ... life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.


3 months...A lot can happen in 3 months. We'll see, my friend. Que sera sera.

Summer 2006

Passed the revalida thank God. Mama's back to see me graduate. Whee! I don't need to wear my worn-out pair of clerkship shoes again. As for internship which is a couple of days away, I'm positively dreading it. Well, what's new? Suffered from pre-clerkship jitters a year ago but I survived. Hehe. I hope I'll be able to coax Mama into giving me that decent out-of-town hibernation I truly deserve. Puhleaz Mama mia!

To the souls that I met along Clerkship Lane:

I am thankful
For the golden rays that touched our soil
I am thankful
For the birds that greeted our days
I am thankful
For the moon during those dreary nights
I am thankful
For the tears that reached the seas
I am thankful
For the smiles that lit the skies
I am thankful
For the conversations, the hopes, the dreams, the wanting and the needing
I am thankful
That God led me to thee...

Currently loving this song...I have yet to hear Cueshe's version...

"Hard to Believe"
(Eraserheads)

I find it hard to believe
That all the pain that we are feeling
Has some meaning in this world
It's so hard to believe
That everything you see is different
From the things that you've been told
I wanted life to be this way
Just a little bit of love could mean so much
Oh please don't take it all away
But with you heaven is still close enough to touch
I find it hard to believe
That someone up there is waiting
With arms open wide and smiling
It's so hard to believe
When someone told me that your suffering
Is what you get for living
I wanted life to be this way
Just a little bit of love could mean so much
Oh please don't take it all away
But with you heaven is still close enough to touch
Because your love is still the only thing
That matters in this world
The only thing I can believe...

Cramming for Revalida

5 days to go before I face my tribe during the dreaded Revalida (THE gruelling oral examination that every Thomasian medical clerk needs to pass in order to graduate) . I'm cramming as usual. Decided to decongest the inbox of my cellphone (my old phone got stolen, don't have a copy of the numbers in my phone book so I lost contact with some of the most important people in my life.grr! and the guilt-free guy still had the nerve to text my mom using my old SIM and ask for money!ranting again...) 'coz the NO SPACE FOR NEW MESSAGES flashing incessantly on my phone's screen is causing further agitation...

1. A stoic wondering..."Life is tricky isn't it? You want things you can't get. You get things you don't want. You get things you used to want but not anymore. You want things you used to get but not anymore. When you finally get what you want, you want something else. When you finally want what you get, you get something else. Funny how we make life seem absurd when it's not."

2. A stranger approached a child and asked, "What is love?" The child answered, "Hmmm...Love is when you tell a boy you like his shirt and he wears it everyday."

3. Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you felt so empty for no reason? Have you ever felt so down but you just can't tell why? Have you ever felt like the world suddenly spins around you and you are caught in the middle going nowhere? Weird isn't it? But that's the beauty of being human. It is knowing that there is a purpose for each existence. And whatever that may be, it is also the reason why we still wake up breathing each morning... to discover that missing piece of puzzle that would make our lives complete.

4. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it but you just have to keep on trying...because someday, who knows? It might fall...

5. Soulmates are never found by grasping every hand you see and testing if both your hands fit together. But instead, it's that certain someone who stares back at you at the other side of life when you lose consciousness of everything else around you and you feel a few seconds of what eternity really means.

Hanta Yo

When 4th year happens, clerkship happens. Clerkship is when people start thinking that sleep is priceless, when people start considering an impending blepharoplasty, when social lives go further downhill, when strangers become good friends and good friends become enemies, when strangers become lovers and lovers become strangers again, when people who absolutely hate coffee become addicted to it, when partygoers become nerds and nerds become partygoers, when stable egos crash and unstable ones go berserk.Clerkship becomes fun when you start mustering the guts to go out there.It's not easy but it's worth the try. Clerkship introduced me to beautiful people. Forget the nasty ones. They're not blog-worthy anyway. Hehe. Through clerkship, I met a really beautiful person, whose weirdness was extraordinary (redundance intended). "Ahbleza" or Shitting Horse (for no particular reason) to some, dreams of getting maried to an American Indian from South Dakota, wears a Bohemian outfit to parties, dances like she's been possessed by the spirits (we have videos to prove this), writes soulful poems which are truly blogworthy (too bad she wants to keep them private), paints like a pro, brings out the profoundness of ho-hum comments and reads Hanta yo (Clear the Way) with gusto. This book, which was based on a Lakota historical document (basically a saga of the American Indians), was so carefully and tediously written, that it took the author (Ruth Beebe Hill), a quarter of a century to complete it! I scanned some of its pages with "Ahbleza." The book deserves 5 stars.Here's an excerpt from the book...

I stand at the center and the light shines all around me. And now I know that my spirit glowing makes this light. I come into power with the sun for I am like the sun. I am my own light.

Here at the center I see the meaning of things, all things. And I know that I am the meaning. The whole meaning.

The four directions come together in me. I am the center and everything flows from me, returns to me.

I am that which they call great mystery. I am that which each calls Wakantanka before coming here, before seeing the light.

I am here and so I know. Here I know everything. Here I know myself.

I am thought and will. And nothing sits above my will.

I am pride and joy. And nothing sits above my joy.

I own my life. And only mine. And so I shall appreciate my person. And so I shall make proper use of myself.

I stand here in the light of my own presence and I recognize my power.

I am reason. And nothing sits above my choice.

I am truth. And so I live in the spirit. And so I live forever.

I am the oneness of the whole. And whatever happens, happens in me.

I am Ahbleza. I own the earth.

The morning after the blast of firecrackers that revived my dependence on earplugs, I looked out the window and saw a flock of white birds buildings away from my nearly deserted apartment (save for a few souls packing their bags and psyching themself up for the inevitable family reunion). Against the smoggy backdrop, these birds flew together, following a graceful pattern they invisibly drew on the grayish sky. White against gray. I stood mesmerized at the eccentric combination. Wait...My mind started to doubt what I saw...A flock of birds merrymaking along the skies of polluted Manila? Surreal but nice. Happy new year!