Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Mysterious Thing Called "Love"

Again, for the hopeless romantic...
If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return.Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.If you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. There is where many lovers go wrong.Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need.They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love.They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that itcan be made to grow only by giving it away.Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover,there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.The Mysterious thing called "LOVE"....

Sunday, November 27, 2005

It's rare for a friendship to go beyond time, space and differences. Even rarer for a friendship to cross these borders effortlessly. I'm glad that our paths crossed. But, if for some reason, you have to go, fret not. I'd gladly welcome an old friend back to my world. Anytime...Even if it would mean going back to square one. Miss the good times, mah friend.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Just decongesting my cellphone's inbox...
1. Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, a guy who calls back when you hang up on him, a guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, the guy who wants to show you off to the world even when you're in sweat, the guy who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the guy who constantly reminds you of how lucky he is to have you. Settle with the guy who proudly turns to his friends and says, "That's her! The one I love...My everything...My life."
2. If you look inside a girl's heart and see how much she cries, you'll find secrets, promises and dreams but what you'll see the most is how hard she tries to stay strong when nothing is right and everything is wrong.
3. I've realized that life is indeed full of contradictions. Sometimes it's crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly, people suffer because you care...You have to unlearn to know the lesson, you have to give up because you are strong, you have to be wrong to make things right...Nonetheless, life's complexities are also life's source of beauty. We should cry to laugh again, fall apart to be whole again, and get hurt to love again...
4. A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes, it could be as quiet as a feather falling. And the most painful thing is , nobody hears it but you.
5. You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
6. If the sun shines in your soul, does it matter if it rains outside? Happiness within overlooks the sadness that any event may bring.

Friday, November 04, 2005

I'll Miss the Boy

To the boy...
Who never fails to give me a wake-up message
Who called me up from his hometown just to ask for advice about an emotional catastrophe
Who's such a hopeless romantic that he has daily love quotes on his phone
Who was nice enough to give me a copy of my fave rock songs
Who loves the beach so much that he doesn't mind going there alone
Who listens to Marilyn Manson's songs during bedtime
Who doesn't know much about computers that he depends on the computer shop staff for his powerpoint presentation and word documents
Whose favorite YM icon's the devil
Who hates coffee but likes native hot choco
Who usually spends review nights at a coffee shop but orders juice
Who loves lechon and seafood, but for some reason, orders chicken dishes every single day whenever he's in Manila
Who loves fishing
Who can speak and understand all 4 dialects in his hometown
Who rarely falls head over heels in love but when he does, he does it with a deafening crash and every aspect of his life gets disturbed
Who calls me ate/lola and can get away with it
Who I fondly call ingkong
Who always ends every text message with hehe
Who can sleep for 15 straight hours without feeling light-headed
Who doesn't smoke nor drink but is an occasional gambler...
I know you'll be busy once more. It was fun getting to know you better. Thanks for the friendship. Hope to hear from you still. Good luck in everything. :-)



Wednesday, November 02, 2005

A Torpe Girl's Letter

Months ago, I was really infatuated with someone. I felt kinda frustrated 'coz I was so torpe (again!). I passed up golden opportunities to get to know the guy better 'coz I aways got tongue-tied whenever he was around. One night, after analyzing my situation, a close friend felt that it was time to make the "move." The funny thing was my friend's a guy! He composed such a beautifully-written letter that I nearly followed his advice. Of course, I eventually chickened out. What happened to the guy? We're still friends. Hehe. The special feelings spontaneously ceased. I don't want the letter to go into waste though, so I'm sharing it with you. :-)
Women have come a long way. I have read of years before when women were shackled into tiny wooden shoes so that their feet would not grow well and they would have to stay at home just minding the house.

Women used to married off, most often to the highest bidder. Their value depended on how well they cooked, how beautiful they were at parties, and how many children they could produce.

They used to say that women were not fit to hold positions of responsibility. Heck, women could not even vote. They had no power over anything except maybe their babies. They even had no power over their bodies.

Now, things are better. Women can buy their own shoes, and we know of some like Imelda who have thousands. More importantly, women can now go where they please. Women can now choose who they marry. Their value depends not on how many kids they could produce or how pretty they are, but on what they can contribute to society. Of course there would be some who would disagree.

Women now hold positions of responsibility. They can now vote. In fact, we have a woman in Malacanang. In some places, women can even abort their babies which is sad. But still, it proves a point. In terms of freedom, power and place in society, women have indeed come a long way.

Yet, notwithstanding all these, it seems that our society still does not fully allow women to express freely and without stigma how they truly feel. When a woman tells a man she likes him, or acts in a way that will catch his eye, she is said to be a flirt, cheap, easy girl…When a man fails to express upfront what he feels, he’s weak, pathetic, basically a loser. So, is our society pressuring males to be virtuous and truthful while punishing women who are the same? Why are men who say what they mean considered great men and women who say and do what they feel considered bad girls?

Truth is, I don’t know. But I write at the risk of being labeled as a flirt, cheap, easy girl blah blah blah because I need to tell you that I really like you. I don’t really know why. I haven’t known you for a long time but when I see you, I feel happy. Good things seem great when you are there and the bad things are just more bearable.

I really would like to get to know you better.

I ask for nothing except that you not consider me a cheap, easy girl for I am not. I am just a girl who one night gathered the courage to defy convention and say what she actually feels.

At the End of the Day

At the End of the Day
by Michael Hussin B. Muin, M.D.
Doctors are leaving. We’ve read the bitter reviews, the harsh editorials and the sensational news. Filipino doctors are packing their bags and taking the next flight out of the country. It doesn’t matter where or as what. The bottom line is that they're out of here—and Philippine society is angry.It’s easy to lump individuals into professional categories: doctors, specialists, general practitioners. When headlines shout “Doctors are leaving”, it conjures an image of a crowd in a cinema running and fighting their way to the exit as if a fire just occurred. In this instance, it doesn’t matter where you end up as long as you don’t end up dead. Anywhere but here, as an old saying goes.Is this far from the truth? I honestly don’t know. I only know that there are familiar faces in the crowd: classmates, friends, teachers and mentors. And they are not running. They are sitting silently in the corner, deep in thought but ready to make their next move.My friend told me a story once. He was in a Florida club with a white female friend. This was just after he passed the local boards. A white dude came up to him and insulted him with racist remarks. His female companion defended him, saying he was a Filipino doctor. The dude just had one thing to say to my friend, “So, what does that make you HERE?” My friend replied, “Nothing. That makes me nothing at all.”It is a true story. Sad, but true. It also drives the point that some doctors, when they leave for other countries, may also be leaving their hard-earned degrees. Ten years of sleepless nights, stressful days and neck-breaking hours in between—all down the drain.Only a few understand the rigors of medical training. The prized M.D. degree consumes almost 10 years of a person’s life. If you add residency training, by the time the new specialists graduate, they’d have spent half of their lives going after a goal—to be a doctor.But beyond the time and the labor, fewer people understand the support behind every medical student or resident physician. For many, medicine is not an individual goal; it is a collective dream—nourished by fathers and mothers way before medical school. Nobody survives medical school or residency training without moral and financial support.We know the stories: an OFW in Saudi cannot go home until his daughter becomes a doctor; a caregiver in Canada continually sends half her income to pay tuition for her brother in med school; a government employee foregoes retirement to fund materials and equipment for her son in residency training. There is no dearth of stories, as each will have his own. Behind one doctor’s dream is a collection of family sacrifices—family sacrifices that may have to be paid in full.It’s not surprising new physicians or specialist are running up and about, ready to put all their training to use. They need to earn. Let me repeat that, they need to earn. With a certificate in one hand and some idealism in the other, they stand at a crossroad.Doctors practice their trade wherever and whenever they can. Some go home to their provinces, while some try their luck in urban centers. Some take up additional training, while some set up small clinics. Some apply for admitting privileges in hospitals, while some get affiliations from HMOs. Working hours may start as early as 5 am and may end as late as midnight.But at the end of the day, in the confines of their own homes, they hang up their stethoscopes and tuck away their degrees. They watch the news and eat stale dinners like everyone else. They play with their kids and put them to sleep like everyone else. They go to bed tired and weary like everyone else. Because at the end of the day, these doctors are not doctors. They are fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, husband and wives. And much like everyone else, they worry about their future and their family’s future.As the exodus continues, Philippine society will see doctors leaving careers and patients behind. But in the confines of homes in different parts of the country, we see fathers and mothers leaving families behind, sons and daughters saying goodbyes, and husbands and wives praying for a bright future. At the end of the day, we are not losing doctors, we are losing loved ones.Almost a year ago, my good friend told me he was leaving for Trinidad and Tobago as a UN Volunteer Doctor. I didn’t ask about his career, his degree or his plans. The only question I asked was “Paano anak mo, asawa mo?” And with a long sigh and a short smile, he answered, “Para sa kanila naman ito.”And that is where many doctors find themselves at. With a plane ticket in one hand and a good dose of reality in the other, they stand at a new crossroad—where paths lead to faraway places and foreign countries, where the only things they can bring are what they can fit in their hearts, and possibly some pictures in their wallet.I may soon find myself standing at that crossroad—falling in line and holding that crisp boarding pass in my hand. But I don’t dread the day some white dude would walk up to me and say, “So, what does that make you HERE?”.It makes me a father. At the end of the day, in the confines of my rented space in a foreign land, my son is more important to me than a piece of paper hanging on a wall.
---------------------Michael Hussin B. Muin, M.D. is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Pinoy.MD - The Website for Filipino Doctors. He is a professor of Clinical Anatomy and Medical Informatics in Pangasinan.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Morning Has Broken

5 minutes ago, I tediously assessed what clerkship has done to my face so far. I saw STRESSED-OUT written all over it. I badly need some pampering. Perhaps a day at the spa will do me good. I need lots of sleep I know but I've always been tempted to blog and chat away. I look around and see the "organized clutter" I've created since my rotation in Surgery started. Unfinished papers lay scattered 2 feet away. Geez. Lots of more important things to do. I better set my priorities straight...I long for tomorrow, I long for the sunrise...Somehow, it makes me smile still...
Morning Has Broken (Cat Stevens)
Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the world
Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass
Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful
James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
He smiled at me on the subway.
He was with another girl.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, he caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
He could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
F***ing high,
And I don't think that I'll see him again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on his face,
When he thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,I will never be with you.
I was at the laundry shop hours ago. I was still kinda dazed from last night's duty when I heard it. My song for THE GUY, well, whoever he is. Of all nights, why this night, when I have lots of school-related things in my mind? Am I going to meet THE GUY soon or am I really headed for spinsterhood? Honestly, right now, for some reason, I am happy. Right now, I'm thinking, hey I don't need a man to validate my life.Wherever this rollercoaster ride leads me, I am willing to get slapped by the cold, unyielding air or the friendly rays of the sun. LIFE, I (single or not) am dying to embrace you.
The song...
AS LONG AS IT MATTERS
How can I find something
That two can take
Without stumbling as we
Walk into our future's wake
I'm like a broken record
That you can play
Repeating as if it matters
Everything I want to say
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now
Forget that time
It's nothing we touch and see
All this is fine
Even as it crashes down on me
I'm looking around
There's nothing that I could want
More than to tell you
There's no more than we've already got
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you're here with me now...
Forget that our time is almost up
I'll be all right..

Uncheesify Me

Another string of cheesy lines I penned amidst the sweltering heat that certainly felt like summer’s. Funny. I wrote this while seated in one of those old plastic benches at Fabella Hospital. I was waiting for mother wanna-be’s to show up and fill the empty slots of my OPD form…

I see the sun
I see you
I feel the wind
I feel you
I make a wish
I wish for you
Friend, when will you start to feel like I do?

Hehehe. Pau and Carol nearly choked to death for this cheesiness. Carol then wrote a poem for me. Another on-the-spot creation which was so much better than mine. Hehe.

If you would only look
Beyond what you can see
Then you would know
What I feel for thee

If you would only smile
Along my way
Then you would know
You have made my day

If you would only hold
My hand in yours
Then you would know
You have opened new doors

If you would only place
Your heart in mine
Then I would know
What is divine

Now I dare you all to uncheesify these. Hehehe. On a sidenote, I’d like to thank my good friend Dean for the MP3 songs. Looking forward to hearing each one of them. Domo arigato gozaimasu.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Orange and Lemons...Medigras!

I don't look it, but I can switch from sappy to alternative with ease. Recently, I've been digging a lot of alternative songs. Good to learn that the local hitlist is predominantly OPM these days. Go Noy-pi! Caught Orange and Lemons on stage weeks ago. Their front act, Itchy Worms, were equally good. Can't wait to get a copy of their album. I think it will be out next month. Days ago, watched bands perform during Medigras (organized by my sisses and brods). Hail TLP! Strange that I'm missing Weezer these days. My friend said he'd give me a copy of their songs. Where's the copy Dean? Hehe. Nah. Med school makes people forget sometimes. You are forgiven.

Buddy Holly (Weezer)

What's with these homies dissin' my girl?
Why do they gotta front?
What did we ever do to these guys
That made them so violent?
Woo-hoo, but you know I'm yours.
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine.
Woo-hoo, and that's for all of time.
[chorus]
Woo-ee-oo, I look just like Buddy Holly.
Oh-Oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
I don't care what they say about us anyway.
I don't care 'bout that.
Don't you ever fear, I'm always near.
I know that you need help.
Your tongue is twisted, your eyes are slit.
You need a guardian.
Woo-hoo, and you know I'm yours.
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine.
Woo-hoo, and that's for all of time.
[chorus]
I don't care 'bout that.
Bang! Bang!
Knock on the door, another big bang, get down on the floor.
Oh No! What do we do?
Don't look now but I lost my shoe.
I can't run and I can't kick.
What's a matter babe, are you feelin' sick?
What's a matter, what's a matter, what's a matter you?
What's a matter babe, are you feelin' blue?
Oh-oh-oh!
And that's for all of time. (x2)
[chorus]
I don't care 'bout that. (x3)

Monday, September 19, 2005

Still Alive

To those of you who have been wondering what this girl's been up to these past few months...well, I've been real busy. So busy that my e-box registered 1000+ unread messages! Insane. Wrote a couple of cheesy poems (yet to be un-cheesified) and ate loads of cheezy fries. I'm starting to realize, as I'm typing away, that I'm starting to get really lost...and sleepy and corny. I need to sleep. I should stop blabbering away.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Maselang Bahaghari

Isn't life weird? Just when you thought your ears have heard enough of E-heads, your brother starts playing this song...

Akala ko ay dagat, yun pala ay alat
Akala ko'y pumasok, sablay
Pikit ko ang aking mata,
ikaw ang nakikita
Akala ko'y wala ng saysay...

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan
'Wag kang mabahala di kita malilimutan
Paglipas ng ulan ay mapapangiti ang araw
'Wag sanang mawala ang maselang bahaghari

Akala ko ay cool ako, may ulap na sa ulo
Akala ko'y ang pera'y tunay
Pikit mo ang iyong mata, ano ang nakikita
Akala ko'y wala ng saysay...

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan
'Wag kang mabahala di kita malilimutan
Paglipas ng ulan ay mapapangiti ang araw
'Wag sanang mawala ang maselang bahaghari

Monday, June 27, 2005

May 29, 2005
Rotation: Rehabilitation Medicine

Sometimes you seek to grasp things beyond your reach. Sometimes you wish you can control the world's every turn. Sometimes you let go of a piece of bitter reality and pray that someone out there would replace this piece with happier days. Sometimes you venture into the unknown then wish you hadn't. For you realize a little too late that it would hurt bad. Sometimes you hover comfortably over your sheltered zone but still you wonder what life would be like out there. Sometimes you tend to focus on the intricacies of life that you take its simple pleasures for granted. Sometimes you stand amidst the busy crowd eyeing an unfamiliar face , silently admiring the view...then for a fleeting moment, you exchange furtive glances before getting swallowed up by the prism of the city. You turn 26 and you think you had it all figured out. But as your life unfolds, you realize that you'll never figure everything out. Because whenever the corners of your mouth start to succumb to a smile, the world turns its back on you. Because whenever desolation starts to engulf you, the world embraces you. You are a paradox. Everyone else is. The world is so messed up right now that it will take forever to iron out its kinks. So, while your lungs are still capable of taking in the air of life, enjoy the ride. You have no better choice. Who knows? Afterlife may be worth the long wait.
Just burping out loud.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it's still a beautiful world...
Desiderata

Saturday, June 11, 2005

The Lowly Clerk's First Two Months

I had finished three rotations since my last post: Radiology, Rehabilitation Medicine and Family Medicine. Among the three, I enjoyed my stay with the Family Medicine Department the most. The interns, residents and consultants were SO nice and accomodating. The training was mostly hands on. The first time I performed an internal examination, I felt so grossed out. Dr. Bautista's right. We girls don't know how we look down there. It's not a pretty sight, I'm telling you, especially if the woman's nearly clueless about feminine hygiene. Anyway, I'm nearly done with my rotation in Psychiatry. So far, things are going quite well. Oh. My patient refused to talk to me when she learned that I was born in 1979. She's so preoccupied with her daily horoscope that she patterns her life according to it. Her history says she's obsessed with vampires and amulets as well. Interesting. I hope I can find a way to get through the wall she has created for herself. Her preoccupations have caused her to push some people away. Sadly, the reason for the emergence of these symptoms is her husband's infidelity. :-( Through this blog, I hope you'll get a better grasp of the life of a lowly medical clerk. Hehe. Nah. I hope you'll learn more about the art and science of Medicine straight from the little rascal's mouth.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Life in the Barrio

When I was interviewed for admission to medical school, I gave one of those generic answers to the most generic question for every wannabe physician, “Why do you want to become a doctor?” “To serve humanity” was my immediate reply. I wasn’t able to give this much thought though as my brain got bombarded with highfaluting medical facts during the 1st 3 years of med life. The extent of my service to humanity was then limited to occasional participation in medical and surgical missions. I helped but could not fully grasp the lives my patients led.

When Community Medicine I and II came, I had the opportunity to witness the lives of the people from the slums of Leveriza. The experience gradually opened my eyes to the world beyond my comfort zone. I started to count my blessings and reaffirm my generic answer.

Along with 28 other then-neophytes, I tasted the Sapang Palay life for a month. I was apprehensive but excited to leave my sheltered existence and explore unfamiliar territory. Sapang Palay sounded so rural, alien and dangerous. My mind conjured images of farm animals, nipa huts, de buhos toilet bowls, drinking water that had to be fetched from deep wells, long stretches of dusty roads and NPAs lurking in the forest. I learned that Sapang Palay has a typical barrio look and feel to it. I instantly felt comfortable.

Sharing a room with 23 other girls was the biggest challenge I had to face everyday. I had to line up for a decent shower and the usual bathroom ritual. Summer’s sweltering heat paid no heed so I had to do this several times a day. Homesickness was another problem I had to contend with. I made the most of my weekly Araw ng Dalaw. I also conquered my fears and did things for the first time (which was actually fun): fry tapa despite the oil splashes, scrub toilet bowls, play Pusoy Dos, visit the market to purchase 4 bags of uling and perform Pap smear.

I got exposed to cases, both common and rare. Illnesses were no longer confined to pages of scientific data and pictures on books. I saw, heard, smelled and touched them. I learned. Since I was living a life in Sapang Palay almost similar to theirs, my approach to patients became more individualized. Establishing rapport was crucial as some were hesitant to talk and needed some prodding. It felt good to have patients open up to you about problems that truly concern them. Sometimes even, these problems involve the entire family. I became a “family physician” who healed, supported and educated families regarding health and livelihood. I taught malnourished kids to color. I taught mothers to implement the natural family planning method and prepare affordable and nutritious meals.

In Sapang Palay, I was able to explore my strengths and weakness as a person and future health care provider. This will aid me in the care of my patients. As I start getting re-accustomed to my life in the city, I still fondly recall my days as a “barrio doctor.” Someday, I might go back.

“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Back in the City

My stay in Sapang Palay ended yesterday. I'm back in Manila, gradually getting re-accustomed to the polluted air, house-filled streets, incessant honking of impatient drivers, Christian's pestering and Mama's nagging. I missed the TV, the internet (I haven't blogged in weeks!) and my brother's meals. Binged as soon as I got home. Over the weekend, I think I've successfully regained the pounds I lost for the past month. Since I've neglected this blog for a long time, I'll highlight my recent blog-worthy experiences.
Went to Manaoag and Baguio 2 weekends ago. Enjoyed Barrio Fiesta's food there. I savored every bite of their Baguio lumpia roll and crispy pata. Gulped down 2 glasses of their sago't gulaman. Outside the resto, had my picture taken with the life-sized replica of FVR. Went to Mine's View Park (hope I spelled this out correctly) and had my picture taken with Douglas, the adorable St. Bernard who's quite popular there. Trekked to Burnham Park and checked out their ukay-ukay.
Had coffee with Rej last night. I miss our coffee nights. Hope to hook up with her soon. Might watch Sandara's flick with her. She's a huge fan of the Korean chick.
My rotation in the Department of Radiology starts tomorrow. The schedule is pretty light. 7-5 daily. I'll be on duty once a week.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Optimist No More

Where art thou Happiness? Where art thou? Tita's gone and home's not quite the same without her. Somehow, unresolved problems have succeeded in crushing my ego. It has started to malfunction. I have to do something about it soon. I think I'm gradually turning into the person I've never desired to be - a pessimist. I hope this is just a phase that every mourner goes through. I'm dying to see the light at the end of this dark alley.

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ahAh-ah, Ah-ah
I walk alone
I walk a...
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Tita Belen, I Bid You Farewell

My aunt made her peaceful exit yesterday. Incidentally, it was her son's birthday as well. She was in a Persistent Vegetative State for three months before succumbing to the multi-systemic complications of her previous cardiopulmonary arrest. I'll miss her contagious laughter, her kikayness, her huge baon of anecdotes, her motherly concern, her genuine compassion for the less fortunate and her bopis. Tita, until we meet again...one sweet day...
One Sweet Day
Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away
Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive
[Chorus:]
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared
[Chorus]
Although the sun will never shine the same again
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray
[Chorus]
Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Little Rascal Recommends...

Fried Hito with Burong Hipon at Packo's Grill, Timog Avenue

My First Rotation: Sapang Palay

While most of my friends are now busy with hospital work, I'm gearing myself for my first rotation: Community Medicine. I've already packed my luggage with Mama's aid. I'm headed for Sapang Palay, Bulacan tomorrow. The official UST vehicle that will take us there leaves at 7 a.m.SHARP. I'll be staying there for a month but I'll get to go back to Manila and reunite with my family and friends every weekend. Except for the occasional presence of NPAs and pickpocketers, Sapang Palay is quite safe. We were advised to be wary at all times. What's this rotation all about? We have time to work (cook for our co-clerks, wash the dishes, clean the dorm, manage patients, feed malnourished children, teach mothers to prepare nutritious meals), play (we can view DVDs and do sports activities at designated times), sleep and eat. Sounds a lot of fun? Well, it is according to those who have already rotated there. :-)

"Med school provides perhaps the best substantiation for Charles Darwin's theory of natural selection. For here we see in its cruelest form the survival of the fittest. Not the smartest, as one should expect. But the fittest to cope with the inhumane pressures, the demands made not only on the brain but on the psyche..."
--- Doctors by Eric Seagal

i missed the concert!!!

I'm fuming mad at myself right now. I would have mauled this blogger if I hadn't thought of the probability that a badly bruised medical clerk might scare off the sick at Sapang Palay tomorrow. Nah. Of course I'm still sane enough not to manifest such self-injurious behavior. Hehe. As I'm writing this, I'm trying my best to forgive myself as God had forgiven me countless times before. Rigid memory cells! They have successfully deleted the data about the concert last night just because I thought I was going to miss it. The concert that featured Kitchie Nadal, Rivermaya and Spongecola. I missed hearing Same Ground, Huwag na Huwag Mong Sasabihin, Balisong, You'll Be Safe Here and Crazy For You. About a month ago, I heard about this concert and was all so excited about it. My fave musicians. My fave songs. I felt really disappointed when I learned that clerkship would start on April 15. I thought I'd be at Sapang Palay that time. I assumed that I'd miss the concert. Clerkship started last April 15 but my stay at Sapang Palay will only start tomorrow. Therefore, I had no valid reason to miss the concert. WAAAH! My thinking engine needs some oiling.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Pre-clerkship Jitters

Clerkship officially starts on the 15th. I've been suffering from a bad case of pre-clerkship jitters since Monday. Been sleeping real late (I thought I got rid of the insomnia long ago) lately. I certainly feel like a walking zombie. I hope I don't look like one. Hahaha. I wasn't able to prepare myself well for clerkship. Partly my fault as I was out with friends most of the time during the break. I only bought my first pair of clerkship shoes the night before the orientation. Bought the other pair yesterday. I haven't arranged my hand-outs for the past three modules yet. My medical bag still lacks tools. I feel so half-baked and downright guilty. I think I should have read pages of medical text instead of enjoying every second of my summer vacation as if it were my last. BUT IT'S DEFINITELY MY LAST!!! After clerkship, there's graduation then there's one year of internship, the boards and 4 or so years of residency. Good luck to Class 2006 of the UST-FMS !!!

Monday, April 11, 2005

My 26th Birthday!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2005

It’s my 26th birthday. 26 years of breathing in polluted Manila air. Hehe. Thanks to everyone who remembered. Araw ng Kagitingan. Usually a no-work/no-class day if not for our current president who usually f***s up the country’s holiday calendar. My zodiac sign is Aries.

Decided to seek celestial advice from today’s newspaper. I’m a non-believer of fortune-telling. I just want to be entertained.

My daily horoscope: No man is an island, though you certainly would like people to believe that you’re self-sufficient. It’s luckier to humbly acknowledge your reliance on that strong, capable person in your life. (I may try to be as independent as I can, but I’ve always been a Mama’s girl. She’s that strong, capable person in my life. Now that she’ll be working abroad, hope I’ll find a good replacement.)

Had dinner with my family at my fave Jap resto. Got serenaded by the staff as it was my birthday. The love songs they sang: Through the Fire and You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me. I felt SO MUCH OLDER than I actually was. Met Ariel of my fave show The Misadventures of Ariel and Maverick. This guy really makes me laugh big time. A really really funny and down-to-earth guy on and off cam.

At 26, I’m thinking...”Am I really me? Or am I an existentialist masquerading as an optimist? Or a bad girl masquerading as a good girl (you know, a bad girl that doesn’t get caught)? Or an aspiring vet masquerading as a wannabe doctor? Do I know where I’m headed for? Times have become crazier, weirder and a lot more fun. Occasionally, however, I long for the profound happiness that tranquil moments provide. Future, here I come…braver, bolder and wiser.”
Sunday, April 3, 2005

Attended PSG’s Induction Ball. Brother Rey’s rendition of the dance craze Chocolate created pandemonium.

Monday, April 4, 2005

Videoked with Gie. It was a lousy videoke afternoon. Something was definitely wrong with our vocal cords. We didn’t hit the notes right. Oh well. I’m sure there’ll be better videoke days.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Watched Hitch at Gateway for the 2nd time. There’s a neat photo exhibit outside the movie house which featured old pictures of famous and quite-famous local stars when they were decades younger. Imagine Ms. Nora Aunor in an Alice-in-Wonderland attire (she acted in a movie entitled Nora in Wonderland) or Ms. Vilma Santos as Phantom Lady. Interesting. Other featured stars are Christopher de Leon, Eddie Garcia, Bella Flores (before her perennially surprised look thanks to plastic surgery), Elizabeth Oropesa and Melanie Marquez (who looked so regal…thank God pictures don’t talk) among others.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Attended my cousin Jeric’s elementary graduation. My cousin’s surrogate mother, Tita Belen is in a Persistent Vegetative State after suffering from cardiopulmonary arrest. It’s sad that she wasn’t able to see her favorite son receive his diploma. While I was waiting for his sister to prepare for the event, Jeric approached me and said, “ Ang ganda mo naman, Ate. Sana ikaw na lang ang Mommy ko.” My heart immediately went out to him. Such a nice kid. Always has a ready smile and a warm greeting. A regular mass goer. Active in church activities. An enthusiastic learner. Readily does errands for his cousins. I believe that this child deserves to go places. God is good. He will be rewarded. On a lighter note, what habits would you like to graduate from? I’d like to graduate from the nasty habits of staying too long inside the bathroom (I’m not vain. I’m just slow in everything. I’m thinking I’m hypothyroid. Hmmm…), being overly nice, overloading my daily sked, blogging/YMing instead of reviewing for exams and falling for the wrong men.

Friday, April 1, 2005

No prankster around this April Fool’s Day. Had coffee with Tin and Charissa. A coffee date for me means enjoying a vanilla frappucino or a non-coffee blended vanilla drink while friends order coffee. Hehe. I’m not really a huge coffeeholic. I only consume coffee whenever I feel the need to stay awake during review nights. I do this even less now because I’ve discovered the strong insomniac effect of downing 2 glasses of Wai Ying’s cold milk tea. It has to be cold because I don’t like hot tea very much as well. There’s a huge difference between coffee talks among female teeners and adults. While people below their 20s gossip about their college professors, coming-out parties, boys, people above their 20s discuss about work, post-graduate courses, men and settling down. Asked advice from Tin about my seemingly suntok-sa-buwan career plans. She thinks it’s quite possible if I start small then gradually expand. Clerkship might change these plans though so I’m not writing them down yet.

Saturday, April 2, 2005

3 Reasons Why I Gained Another 3 Pounds Today

1. ate a butter and blueberry jam-weighed down sandwich for breakfast
2. pigged out on ramen and potato guratan for lunch
3. binged on rice, lechon skin, lumpiang shanghai, sliced pork with young corn, sweet and sour pork, and a hoard of buchi for dinner at a debutante’s ball
I need to work out ASAP.

Friday, April 01, 2005

A Short Trip Down Memory Lane

Some moments definitely earn parking slots along your memory lane. I don’t believe in spending a lot just to have an extraordinary experience. It may be as affordable as going to the zoo, having a picnic in the park, visiting ancient houses, watching the sunset, building sandcastles, traveling to places you’ve never been to (I heard Sagada’s worth the long travel time), learning/doing new things like playing a musical instrument, singing in a cheap videoke place, playing billiards, going on a rollercoaster ride (did this once. I think I broke a lot of people’s eardrums that time with my screams…hehehe). Whenever I get schmaltzy, I think mostly of the great times I spent with my parents, relatives and friends and the food I loved (feed me well and I’ll remember you for a lifetime.hehe)...
  1. the wishing well in a used-to-be mall in Cubao
  2. the carp-filled pond in the old Greenhills shopping center
  3. the space ride in a carnival - less-techie version of EK’s Rialto
  4. the dinner-in-bed/TV-viewing while vacationing in Pearl Farm
  5. the dyspepsia-causing salad buffet in Camp John Hay
  6. the piano lessons in Rustan’s Cubao
  7. Samurai’s takoyaki balls
  8. night swimming in Morong, Rizal
  9. composing poems after a beach trip in Cavite
  10. the shrimp with broccoli dish in an old Chinese resto in Baguio
  11. trying out siato for the first time (hope I spelled it right) with cousins in Cavite
  12. every Visita Iglesia I had
  13. the school fair in Grade 6
  14. every educational exposure in elementary/high school
  15. my Le Cordon Bleu experience - I was the youngest chef in class. I’m planning on spending more time in the kitchen again someday. I’ve neglected this craft.
  16. Milo summer camp’s swimming lessons – My brother and I were such cowards. While most of our classmates became pro’s in basic strokes, the only things we were able to master were submerging our heads in the pool and forming “bubbles” and floating. Hehe.
  17. the Penitencia at Hagonoy, Bulacan
  18. getting rainwater-drenched after a hot day on top of Mt. Banahaw
  19. spending the beginning of Summer 2001 in Montalban (when I was an OT intern) - I miss the kwek-kwek and veggie balls at the Plaza, Nanay Baby's puto pao, the uniquely Montalban meals served by the ultra-hospitable Nanay Loleng, the bonding time at Anawim and Kye, my housemate and counselor; an opportune time to soul-search and start anew; small surprises culminated in a humongous surprise I'll never forget

    Yesterday was definitely one of those noteworthy days. Was able to coerce Mama to videoke with me. Since she just sat and listened, I did a song marathon and realized that my voice will start to break after 4 consecutive songs. Papa then joined us for dinner at JT’s Manukan Grille. The chicken breast was very tasty as usual. I prefer to eat it as is although one may opt to dip it in sinamak (Ilonggo vinaigrette), which is the usual condiment of choice.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Some Poems by Ms. Jenny Pena

Came across an article entitled The Poetry and Passion of Joe Salazar. Such poignant poetry by Ms. Jenny Pe┼ła…

DOUBLE EXPOSURE

Coffee and cream not tea
Salt and pepper not sugar
Black and white not gray
You and I not three.

TRIPLE EXPOSURE

A twig, a leaf, a flower
Sunshine, starlight, rain shower
Touch, feel, see
Earth, sea, sky with me.

LEGACY

I leave you my treasures
Glorious sunsets, peaceful dawns
Quiet streams, rocks and stones
Towering trees, ferns and flowers
The core of my artistic soul.

CREATION

I saw a pair of fairy dancers glide
Bathed in moonbeams and twinkling stars,
Flowers and leaves, plumes and beads
Gathered and stitched, piece by piece,
Drunk with beauty my fingers bleed.

SEASONS

Flowers fade
Leaves fall
From my window I watch.
My soul cries
Catch them all.
Sunday, March 27, 2005

Met up with my friends from UP. Was ecstatic to see Love again. She came home from the States to take care of her sick lola. Also saw one of Liezl’s angels. Megan’s so adorable. Soul Food’s 7-flavored Beef (not sure if I got this right) and Vegetarian Pizza became instant food faves.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Went to my beloved sorority’s induction ball. The emcees, Nashie and Gayla were hilariously funny. Pang-Laffline. Hehehe. Hail TLP!

Monday, March 28, 2005

bitten by the 24/7 bug II

I haven't reloaded my Sun Cell phone in a month I think. I'm depressingly strapped for cash so I decided to TRY to set my priorities straight. The Sun Cell load had to be impermanently given up. Received word about Globe/Smart's Call/Text Unlimited promo. These telecom giants are surely catching up. Question is, how long will their promo last? Is this just another brilliant strategy to crush the competition? Once again, here are some of the nice messages I've stored in my phone's inbox.

1. Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

2. I'd like to share something with you. I know this may not be important because you already have this but in case you're about to lose yours, I'd be glad to give you mine. It's called "the rest of my life."

3. God created the world in 6 days and He rested on the 7th day. Then some stupid moron created Medicine. Since then, nobody rested...Hail to you, Doctors!

4. If a fish fell in love with a bird, could they live together? Could one fly with fins? Could one remove its wings? Love can't change what's not meant to be.

5. Love doesn't ask "why?" for it's the reason itself. Love doesn't ask "what if?" for it is willing to risk all. Love doesn't ask "until when?" for it only knows forever.

6. If you're in heaven and I'm in hell, I'd look up to you and be proud of you. But if I'm in heaven and you're in hell, I'd lose my wings and go down to you. Because heaven ain't heaven without you.
7. Do you know what magic is? It’s having the power to make someone happy without having to do a single thing. You want to know something else? In my life you have been nothing…Nothing but magic.

8. Do you know that the darkest hour is the hour before sunrise? So when you feel that you are at your darkest moment, remember: you may just be a moment away from your sunrise.

9. As we sail through life, don’t avoid rough waters…Sail on, because calm seas never make a skillful sailor.

10. In life, everything happens for a reason. People meet by chance or by fate. In meeting you, however, who cares about the reason? I’m just glad I did.

11. Like a fragile strand in a spider’s web, our bond has become a significant part of my life. I will not let that strand break because it would be difficult to weave my life all over again.

12. Loving someone desperately is like holding a broken piece of glass. Not wanting to give up but your hands feel the pain. When you finally let go, you’re free from pain but your hands are empty.

13. It’s better for a girl to sleep a hundred years and be kissed awake by the right prince than to stay awake and be kissed a hundred times by the wrong frog.

14. When every note in our life is tuned to God’s major key, our reaction to life’s difficulties becomes a grand symphony.

15. Man asked God why he makes women so beautiful, and God said, “So you will love them.” Then man asked, “But why do you have to make them stupid at times?” and God said, “So they can love you.”

16. Some joys are better expressed in silence as a smile holds more meaning than laughter. I was asked if I enjoyed meeting you in my life. You know what? I just smiled.

17. It’s hard to hold on to something we know would never be ours in a way we think of. We just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while some good things never last, some don’t even start.

18. We’re like teabags whose true strength comes out when put in hot water. So when problems beset you, just think…you must be God’s favorite cup of tea.

19. If I was deaf, I’ll hear your laughter through your smile. If I was mute, I’ll speak to you through your eyes. If I was blind, I’ll see you through your touch. I can live without my senses but life won’t make sense without you.
20. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the butt of the person who spoils your day and may his arms grow too short to scratch his butt. Have a stress-free day.

21. When you’re feeling stressed and about to break down, just remember: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards. It’s a piece of cake. Smile and take it easy.

22. A stranger approached a child and asked, “What is love?” The child answered, “Hmmm…Love is when a puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Thursday, March 24, 2005

Visita Iglesia with Papa and Nikki. I’ve been doing this for 15 years now. Usually, we start at around 5 p.m. and end at around 12 a.m. We visit 14 churches (1 station per church), sometimes even 15 if our legs can still carry us. We walk from church to church. This year’s different though. Papa (poor him :-() got pretty tired fast so we were only able to finish the 1st 6 stations.

1st station – Pope Pius Chapel (UN Avenue)
2nd station – St. Vincent de Paul Church (San Marcelino St.)
3rd station – San Agustin Church (Intramuros)
4th station – Manila Cathedral (Intramuros)
5th station – San Vicente de Ferrer Church (Binondo)
6th station – San Lorenzo Ruiz Chapel (Binondo)

The fun part: dinner at Wai Ying. I missed this food place. It’s a small resto with dimsum and congee that can compete with Gloria Maris’s. The meals are a lot cheaper too. I’m an avid fan of their fish congee, siomai and cold milk tea. I got a bit disappointed because their congee tasted different that night. Good thing the milk tea was just the way my taste buds remembered it. Back home, Nikki and I decided to read the next 8 stations at The Most Holy Redeemer Parish since it’s just a couple of blocks away.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Went malling with Glenn. My fave destination spots: the petshop, the gadget strip (I wish I were as techie as my friends) and the “garden.” I’ve been going to that mall regularly for a year now but it’s rare that I get to explore those areas. Watched Robots. The 1st 15 minutes were dragging but the rest of the film made up for this. Generally quite action-packed and entertaining. I also had my fortune read by an old Chinese guy who I happened to meet years ago in a salon. For a mere 10 bucks, my seemingly bright future was told. Too bad I’ve forgotten what the balding man told me before so I wasn’t able to check into the accuracy of his predictions. I don’t really believe in fortune-telling but it never fails to amuse me.

I’ll write more on this weekend’s events in my next entry. Sleep beckons. Happy easter!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Was able to explore Gateway for the first time. Trendy shops and restos. The downside: a fat wallet is essential for survival within its premises. Watched Hitch, a feel-good romantic flick. Anxsh and I got totally engrossed in the film because of its melt-your-heart lines and Women-are-from-Venus-and-Men-are-from-Mars views. What did this film teach me? A lot!

1. Love chooses you and not the other way around.
2. Love is not governed by rules.
3. At times you really have to take the plunge where the stakes are high for the one you love.
4. When you love someone, don’t wait and depend on the celestial beings to make things happen. Do something about it. Don’t let the golden opportunity to snag him/her pass you by.
5. In love, fear of failure has no place. Believe in yourself, get your act together and strut your stuff. Confidence counts.
6. Listen more and talk less.
7. NEVER ASSUME THINGS.

“Life is not about the number of breaths you take. It’s the number of moments that take your breath away.”

I was thumbing through my cd box when I chanced upon a cd with “Chinky’s pics” written on it. His handwriting. Ah. It’s been almost a year. How can I forget? Momentary insanity caused by the Rebound Syndrome. There’s something about the summer’s rays that blinds you from the truth. Your emotions are heightened. Your heart becomes vulnerable. Your impulse control gets sacrificed in the process. There’s no physiological explanation for this yet. It’s just plain crazy. My friend (if ever you get to read this blog), I just want you to know that I’m okay. I know you are too. We’re both happy now. That’s all that matters. We’ll be alright …

Minna Ga Iine (All So Wonderful)
A Song from the Anime Series Boys Be

Romaji Lyrics/
English Translation

* riyuu nanka nakute issho nara ureshiku nattari
nan to naku tsuujiau minna ga ii ne
* For no particular reason, I'm happy just being with you
Somehow we can communicate, all so wonderful
kawara no shamen nekoronda teashi wo nobashite
atama no ue wo tori-tachi ga tobitatta
Laying on a river bed, stretching my arms and legs
Birds flew in the sky above our heads
futo miageta kyou no sora
doko made mo hirogaru
donna YUUTSU na koto demo
chiisaku omoeru yo
Suddenly looking up to the sky today,
it seems to go on forever
No matter how depressing something is,
it seems small in comparison
riyuu nanka nakute suki na uta kuchidzusandetari
sonna toki ga ichiban kimochi ga ii ne
For no particular reason, I just hum a song I like
Such times are the best, it feels so wonderful
yuugure ga kite yakyuujou yokogitte kaerou
jitensha notte akai kumo wo oikakete
Dusk comes, and we go back through the baseball field
riding our bicycles, chasing the red clouds
SHATSU no mune wo fukuramasu
kaze wa yume no you de
motto hanashi ga shitai yo
ashita mata aou ne
The wind puffs up my shirt;
it's just like in a dream
There's so much I want to talk about...
We'll meet again tomorrow, right?
itsuka konna hi mo owattari shite shimau no ka na?
zutto tanoshii hibi ga tsudzukeba ii no ni
Will such a day like today come to an end someday?
Though I wish these fun days would continue on forever
* Repeat
* Repeat

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Spent the night at Hannah's place to help her finish our paper in Family Block. The most convenient way to go to her place is through the LRT. My second time to take the LRT alone. Scary and yet so exciting. Hehe. The purple line's relatively clean. Mama congratulated me for an uneventful (meaning no bloopers involved) ride.

Today's Palm Sunday. Went to mass with Mama.

Kristo, Kristo
Bakit minsan ka lang nakikilala?
Kapag nakadama ng dusa o pangamba...

I may not be worthy of His love at times but I do try my best. Have a Blessed Holy Week everyone.
2 exams in Surgery tomorrow afternoon then school finally ends for this year. Whee!

poison has gone to dog heaven

Most of you guys know that I absolutely love animals. If reincarnation were true, I must have been an animal in my past life. Come to think of it, man is considered the highest form in the animal populace. The Homo Sapien. Whatever. I'm not a biologist. *smiles* When I was a kid, my then-house became a dwelling place for stray cats thanks to me. Around 14 of them to be exact. From that time on, I started bringing in pets I received as gifts or purchased in marketplaces and pet shops - dogs, fortune lobsters, turtles, doves, ducklings, chicks, love birds, rabbits, guinea pigs, fishes, snails and hamsters. I was a "young parent" once. Normally, girls of my generation saved up for Barbie dolls and Cabbage Patch Kids. I had a small collection of Barbie dolls but a huge chunk of my baon went to birdfeed and pellets. For a time, I actually considered becoming a vet.

Poison, named after a perfume brand that was popular at the time, was my very first puppy. i got her when I was 14. She was born a day after my birthday. She was supposed to turn 12 on April 10 but God decided to take her to dog heaven yesterday. Poison had my undivided attention until Moshi came 5 months later. Poison was a mutt but this didn't make her less special. She was a well-behaved pup. When my family moved to a new place, my mother decided to give her to my aunt who lived next door. Since then, I only saw her during meal time because I still made sure that she was well-fed. I still loved her dearly. Her death was a big blow to me. It was really ill-timed. I was just about to get inside the car when Gie broke the news. I felt so devastated. I wailed. I started to go through the 1st stage of bereavement: denial. Right now, I'm still stuck there. Dunno when I'll start to move on. Somehow, the thought of her smiling from dog heaven helps ease the pain. She will be remembered. She definitely will.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Mystery guy is a mystery no more. Learned that my aunt knows his family so I tried to squeeze out as much info from her as my guts could muster. I feel like a schoolgirl again. Hahaha. Might as well indulge in this fleeting kilig experience while I still can because I'm well aware that clerkship's just weeks away.
I think and I believe that I super sucked at my exams today. I can't really complain because instead of going over my Surgery notes last night, I emailed, YMed and used the phone for hours. Oh well. Hehe. I'll get by.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Whoever You Are

It was a typical dormant Sunday morning.Mama asked me to walk Moshi since the drama king was trying his best to make us feel downright guilty for failing to bring him outside last night. I reluctantly obeyed. I hate summer's sweltering heat. My eyes fell momentarily on the brown gate across my house. I felt giddy inside. A month ago, I went outside with Nikki to buy merienda. That was the first time I saw him. Their gate opened. A car entered. I noticed a guy standing outside - the cute resident of No. 8. I elbowed Nikki. She smiled knowingly. She knew my type too well. Saw him twice after that chance "discovery" (discovery that a nice-looking chinito lives nearby...haha!). I silently prayed that I'd see the mystery male again. As if on cue, thir gate opened and out emerged the man-of-the-hour along with an old man (his Dad perhaps). Our eyes met. Cute goatee. I was immediately overcome by shyness. I turned away. The experience was surreal but nice. Definitely NICE. My summer crush...why did you have to appear in my life when I'm about to leave this place I call home soon? Who are you? Well, it won't matter now, will it? Someday, you'll just be a vaguely familiar face in my memory bank. I'll still smile at the thought of this surprise encounter though.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Just couldn't say no to friends. I had big plans yesterday (in the med life department): start making my critical appraisal for Surgery and start reviewing for next week's exams. Rej invited us to merienda with her. Quickly brushed my plans aside. Since it's a day of fasting for Catholics, I had veggie tofu and oreo cheesecake at The Pit (one of our tambayans after class hours). Happy stomach again (burp-burp-burp). Saw Elli and Shaun there. Toured Amy and Rej within my beloved mall, SM Centerpoint. Hehe. It's just 5 minutes away from my place so I know every shop by heart. I psyched myself into buying at least one nice blouse but ended up buying nothing. Well, what can I say? When you hear comments such as "Malaki tiyan mo diyan.." or "Mukha kang rebel...," will you still have a voracious appetite for shopping? Thank God for friends who don't lie. I realized that I didn't have much money to spare anyway. Might as well use it for school or something more peso-worthy. My videoke plan (Pau, 4th entry...hehe) got foiled also 'coz a small crowd had already gathered outside the videoke rooms by the time we got there. Still felt A-ok though because I got to spend time again with people who mean so much to me. Rej and Amy, I need loot. Hehe.

Pinsan

Pinsan
(Para sa inyo: Ann, Gie at Nikki)

Pinsan...
Ilang araw na lamang ang nalalabi
Bago lumubog ang araw sa ating dalampasigan
Nais ko mang himukin itong sumikat habang-buhay
Ako'y tao lamang na kailangang sumabay sa agos ng panahon
Maaaring maipagdasal
Na habaan pa ang oras ng pagsasama
Ngunit paano kung ito'y ipagkait?

Nais kong iparating sa iyo
Na tunay ang mga ngiti at halakhak
Na dumalang ang pagpatak ng luha
Na ang bawat salita mo ay pinakinggan at inintindi
Na ang mga alaala ay hindi magtatapos sa kabila ng pamamaalam

Pinsan...
Magkikita rin tayong muli sa takdang panahon
Ako'y naniniwala
Ako'y naghihintay
Sa pagsisimula ng panibagong yugto sa piling mo...


Wished Upon a Star

A couple of nights ago, I walked Moshi along the street outside my home. The sky was an enchanting purplish orange. A number of exquisite stars were aglow. I smiled in awe, oblivious to my furry ally who had just finished his "act" and was sending subtle signals of boredom. I picked out the brightest star and wished upon it. At the back of my head, I was thinking of the cliche', "Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it." Have I ever paid heed to this warning? The answer is a resounding NO! Hehehe.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I felt sucky when I woke up this morning. The reason? I accidentally fell asleep during my review break early last night. I was supposed to power-cram for crying out loud! I was supposed to sleep with Schwartz. I did sleep with him and that's the only thing I did...I wasn't able to finish a single topic. I just cradled him in my arms then hied off to Dreamland. Thank God for small miracles. I was granted one today. My Comprehensive Exam in Surgery got moved to Monday. That's days added to my review time and that really mattered. Whee!
Today, I'm trying to regain the momentum I've lost since I got addicted to this thing called blogging. I'm doing some research for school right now. Later, I'll read more on Surgery.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Suntok sa Buwan

Vowed not to blog today 'coz I have a Comprehensive Examination in Surgery tomorrow. My fingers itched so much so here I am in front of the PC typing away. I think I've acquired a pathologic addiction to blogging. Uh-oh. Anyway, the topic of today's entry: OPM songs. There are lots of excellent OPM songs these days. Among my faves are: Huwag na Huwag Mong Sasabihin, Same Ground, Mata, Masaya, You'll Be Safe Here and Suntok sa Buwan. Suntok sa Buwan talks about unrequited love. This can be anyone's story - a student who has a secret crush on her math professor, a fan who religiously attends every gig, a best friend who holds back thinking that romance will spoil the friendship, a successful career woman who's persistently haunted by the image of her puppy love or an old man who still dreams of seeing his pre-war girlfriend again. Sometimes, you simply have to take a step beyond your comfort zone. If you think it's worth the pain, take the plunge. It sometimes is, but not always. It may give you the best days of your life but then again, it may just be another humbling experience. I'm posting the song's lyrics below.
Suntok sa Buwan
Hindi mo ba alam
Damdamin ko'y pinagtakpan
Makasama ka'y suntok sa buwan
'Di mo nga alam
Mundo mo nga'y iyong tingnan
Kung ganyan, walang pupuntahan
Hindi ko 'to gusto
Pero 'wag kang lalayo
Itanong mo sa akin
At tatanungin ko rin
Kung ika'y aamin
Lahat ay gagawin
Di mo napapansin
Kailangan mo akong dinggin
'Di habang buhay ika'y aantayin
Ito'y aking hiling
At sana naman ay tanggapin
Nang puso ko'y 'di nabibitin
"while some good things never last, some don't even start..."

Monday, March 07, 2005

I'm a Singer !!!

Sunday, March 6, 2005


Was able to sing (with confidence...a first) during one of the best videoke nights of my life. The sole witness to the start of my singing profession (ehem...as if!) - my voice instructor/cousin/best friend, Gie. Only belted out (naks! belted out...hahaha) 3 songs: Bakit ba Ganyan (a good song for beginners according to my voice instructor), Is it Okay if I Call You Mine? and All My Life. Chose these songs 'coz I found them relatively easy (emphasis on relatively) to sing. Surprisingly, I got high scores...Suddenly doubted the accuracy of the videoke machine. Hehe. Even scored 100 when I sang All My Life. The much-awaited verdict: "You're a singer !!!" Whee!
Tried creating another blog site (tabulas). Apparently, this site is for techie people. Had a hard time modifying my site so I decided to delete everything. Dunno how to drop my account though.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Somewhere in the Middle

Missed the videoke night ‘coz I still felt awful and Mama got sick as well. Had to take care of her while looking after myself. Oh well.

Accidentally fell asleep while waiting for Buddy’s call. Was supposed to share with him highlights of my lousy day. So sorry Bud. Next time.

Woke up at 9 a.m., still feeling sick and tired. Felt really bad about not attending the medical mission today. It was supposed to be my last before I get into clerkship. By mid-afternoon, felt a wee bit better. Went over to my aunt’s place to help tend to her needs. Over hilaw na mangga and bagoong, my cousin (my aunt’s daughter) and I lambasted the trying-hard TV wannabes on ETK (a showbiz news show on Channel 2). How jologs and mean can we get!

I’m posting the poem I wrote, based on my friend’s sob story. To my friend, I hope you’ll finally learn the art of letting go. It won’t be easy but I’m sure you’ll get by.

Somewhere in the Middle

Somewhere in the middle
Between hello and goodbye
Between reliving the past and ending the present
I dreamt of a love that’s true

Somewhere between getting acquainted and falling in love
Between knowing your name and embracing who you are
I held you close to my heart

Somewhere between talking on the phone and gazing at the stars
Between listening to country music and stringing songs on your guitar
Romance started to seep in

Somewhere in the middle
You fell for her
The flame of magic died out
Our music stopped playing
I can no longer stay

Once more, I’m caught somewhere in the middle
Because I have to let go but I don’t know how
Because my mind refuses to drop every tender memory
Because my eyes remain blinded by the light you’ve shone upon my path
Because I find it hard to sacrifice fantasy for bitter reality

But yes, I must go
While our friendship is still simple and beautiful
Because things need not be complicated in order to be beautiful
So while I still marvel at the beauty of our friendship and something beyond
I must bid you goodbye
And start a journey without you
Think of me fondly once in a while


Yikes! I did more blogging than studying this week. Someone should discipline me.

Friday, March 04, 2005

to videoke or not to videoke

I'm suffering from intestinal flu. The culprit: the Beef Chao-fan and Nai Cha I had for lunch yesterday. Had to go back to bed every 5 minutes this morning 'coz I felt so nauseated. Still went to school for the seminar which our group was tasked to organize. Major dilemma...to videoke or not to videoke with friends later tonight. Still feeling awful but I want to spend time with them. It's rare that we get to spend a lot of time together these days. Received a warm welcome from my furry best friend, Moshi when I got home. That was almost enough to make me forget that I'm sick.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

A Dose of Kitchie

After a series of cancelled gig dates with friends, finally got to watch Kitchie Nadal peform live. Pretty chick. Huge vocal range. I sound like a lesbian. Hehe. No offense to them. Huwag na Huwag Mong Sasabihin (no matter how overplayed this is) is one of my fave Kitchie songs. Sadly, she didn't sing it that night. I also love Strange Ground. I'm posting its lyrics below. My blog is starting to look like a song book but I don't care. Hehe. I'm an audiophile. Ruth and Glenn, it was a great night. :-)
Binged on Jap food with Papa and Mama last night. It's been months since I last ate decent Jap food. Filled my plate with sushi and kani tempura. Uni sushi still tops my list of food faves. A friend thinks it tastes like seawater. I beg to disagree. I'd still look for it in every Jap resto. Yummy. Since I didn't eat merienda, my tummy still had ample space for dessert. Savored every spoonful of the heavenly choco mousse. My tummy felt so grateful. Looking forward to my next blog-worthy food experience.
Can't wait for Friday to happen. If I get lucky, might videoke with friends. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Might just be the start of a prospective singing career for moi. Duh. Hehe.
Marc now calls me blogger chick. You never fail to make me laugh, you crazy guy you.
STRANGE GROUND
My love,
It's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue.
It's hard leaving you that way when I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
It's strange
I never would've wanted 'till there was you.
'Cause I have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine,
More it clears the more I have to let you go.
But now I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad now when I know it was my idea.
I could've just denied the truth and lied.
But why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground?
'Cause I have learned that love is a word gets thrown a little bit too much.
The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
I would never ever have to if
When else fail, would you be there to love me?
When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me?

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Ice Cream, Bamboo and The Wedding Singer

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Had a merienda chat (which extended to early dinner) with Amy and Rej. Over ice cream (Rej’s treat), I succumbed to nostalgic retreat. Realized that clerkship’s just a couple of weeks away. These gals will be terribly missed by yours truly. Lunch/merienda/dinner breaks spent analyzing recent episodes in our lives, laughing over incredulous events, Q&A-ing each other about anything that comes to mind. Malling, movie-watching (with Rej, anything with Sandara in it…hehe), night-outs, soul-baring in coffee shops. Amy’s place: our sanctuary for 3 years…where we sleep, review, eat (chocoholic’s asylum), YM, bulldoze TV personalities and objects of hatred, play Hangaroo, dress up for night-outs, re-enact memory-worthy moments. I’ll miss Amy’s jokes, apathy for lovelorn people (weird but cute) and excellent IQ/EQ. I’ll miss Rej’s Kris Aquino-voice, kikayness and martyrdom in the romance department. I’ll miss Cheryl’s juicy stories, klutziness and motherly concern. I'll miss Mia's anecdotes and OC-ness. I’m thankful that med school brought these people to my life.

I Won't Last A Day Without You

Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
So many times when the city seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near
If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

Friday, February 25, 2005

Nestea event: Fresh Faces 2005 (Go Mitzi!) and Bamboo. Was with my brods and sisses. Bamboo was cute but Ira’s way cuter (I love the goatee). Songs that I’m familiar with: Elisi, Kung Ayaw Mo Huwag Mo, Noypi, Waiting in Vain, Awit ng Kabataan.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Today was uneventful. Just went to school for the Seminar Block. My rendezvous with friends from high school got cancelled (for the 3rd time) ‘coz a friend suffered an allergic reaction to the antibiotics she took. Poor girl. Rashy all over. Hope this date pushes through the next time around. Watched The Wedding Singer (again) on cable. The airplane scene brought me to tears (again). Grow Old With You is one of my ultimate fave songs. This song makes me swoon.

(Airplane Scene from The Wedding Singer)

Billy Idol (speaking): Good afternoon, everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to 30,000 feet. We've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas. Right now we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first-class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers, and since we let our first-class passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.

Robbie hart (singing):

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
I'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
I'll need you
I'll feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Ode to the Nice Guys

Funny. Just finished writing an entry entitled "Do Torpe Girls Finish Last?" when I came across this article on my bulletin board at Friendster. Thanks, Claire. This is a fun read. I don't agree with some of the points raised here though. I don't think nice guys finish last. Torpe guys do. Hehe. Most of my girl friends are either dating nice guys or are committed to nice boyfriends. I'd also choose nice guys over jerks anytime. Nice guys rule! Problem is, most nice guys are torpe so the not-so-torpe guys who usually turn out to be complete a-holes win the girl's heart.
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal...
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style. This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldnt worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing serious between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "Oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that. The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "Oh, he's too nice to date or he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me or he already puts up with so much from me, I couldnt possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "No, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single. So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know youre sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003