Thursday, January 27, 2005

I'm at the library, killing time. This is the worst spot in the campus to do just that. Kill time.
First of all, you're surrounded by students desperately flooding their brain with only-God-knows-what.
Second, you see books everywhere. I'm definitely not allergic to books 'coz I leaf through pages and pages of them (read: fiction!) whenever I find myself broke, with nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. But, imagine shelves hugging thousands of medical books! They make me feel like I'm taking the Revalida. Now I wonder how that would feel. That's just a year away.
Third, PC's here don't have Yahoo Messenger. There's no internet access to start with.
Fourth, you're not allowed to sleep! Even 5-minute naps have no place here. Talk about apathy for struggling medical students like me!
Fifth, you're not allowed to eat.
So, what am I doing here in the first place? As I've said, I'm killing time. I don't want to elaborately explain why I ended up here. Need to make myself productive 'coz I have hours left before the Glee Club competition. I'm not a participant but a handful of my classmates are. I'll be an avid supporter...screaming, squealing and clapping for them. Audience impact is 15% of the entire score. That should help. Hehe.
Obviously, I'm blogging. The only difference is I'm not in front of the PC. I'm writing all of this down on the backsheet of a hand-out. I'll just transfer this to the PC later.
Feb. 2005 is just a few winks away. Still can't believe that I got through 2004 only minorly abraded. I guess my optimism and strong faith in Him cushioned me from the ocassional blows that went my way. So, what was 2004 all about?
It's about falling in and out of love. It's about a long-term relationship that reached a dead-end. Summer romance. It's about playing tug-of-war with the summer flame's The One. Realizing months later that it was just a full-blown Rebound Syndrome. I am laughing at the absurdity of this. It's about rekindling an old flame. Finding a long-lost pal on Christmas Eve. Resuscitated friendships. What's-the-name-of-the-game relationships. Joy rides. It's about reclaiming the freedom of being unattached and enjoying it. It's about daring to go beyond the margins of my comfort zone to taste the world "out there." It's about risks. It's about baring my mind, heart and soul. It's about going back to what I really love doing. Writing. Crafting. Learning something new. Sketching. Sharing pieces of me. It's about starting to figure out the rest of me. Envisioning what I really want in life. Knowing who I really want to go on a carousel ride with me. Praying and waiting. It's about acceptance. It's about trusting Him.
Notice how God opens millions of flowers everyday without forcing the buds! Don't try to force anything. Let life be a constant letting go and letting God. (thanks for this nice quote LJ :-))

Saturday, January 22, 2005

My Mom’s celebrating her 52nd birthday on the 26th. Might get too busy to make an entry for her on that day so I’m doing it tonight.

The golden owl faced the sunset in all her majesty. She knew what she wanted. She wanted to fly high while she still could. Her wings had started to fail her. She could have opted to fly low and smell the tulips below, but hectares of fields with fruit-bearing trees awaited her. She wanted to carry the fruits to her brood. She always did. She nearly fell off the tree on her first try. This did not weaken her. 10 attempts later, she was still perched on the same spot. She held back tears. Little did she know that her children had already left the nest. No longer uncertain. They knew what they wanted. They wanted to fly high. They could have opted to fly low and smell the tulips below, but hectares of fields with fruit-bearing trees awaited them. They wanted to carry the fruits to their mother. These are her favorite fruits. The fruits she did not eat in order to feed them. It’s payback time.

Mom, without you, I wouldn’t have flown high. I would have faltered. I would have been too weak to face each storm. I would have settled for mediocrity. I am this courageous dreamer because of you. You’ve been with me through this rollercoaster ride called life. I promise to take care of you till your sunset years. These years will be the best years of your life. Domo arigato gozaimasu. You’re everything to me.

Friday, January 21, 2005

A Tribute to the Meantime Girl

This was forwarded to me by my partner in every jologic crime, Becky. I miss this child, err, lady. Perky-perky girl, err, woman. Good thing we'll be sharing a room during clerkship. To all the ladies... I'm sure that at some point in our colorful existence, we've been this girl. Hope this will make guys (jerks especially) realize what we are all about. Their loss, their loss, their loss....Hehehe.
She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend.
She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around for the meantime.
She remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front- row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
I'M A MEANTIME GIRL. Been one, more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Attack of the Peter Pan Syndrome

I got this article from somewhere. For those outside their teens (that includes me :-)), this is our story...

Saturday night found me in a condo unit in the middle of the city, getting sloshed at a friend's bridal shower. In the middle of the drinking, stripping, dancing and laughing, it hit me. We really are growing up. The signs have been here for a while now, and even more so these past few weeks.

Factoid #1: You know you're growing up when your weekend itinerary includes baptisms, weddings and bridal showers of peole not related to you.

Someone on my high school batch's mailing list sent wedding pictures of an old classmate. It's hard to believe that people my age have successfully planned weddings when not too long ago, we were still planning our debuts. Just days later, I received a text message from an old seatmate who told me she's seven months pregnant. That baby is about to become my fourth godchild. It's hard to think of her as a mom when I still remember her as the girl who almost got kicked out of Geometry class with me for trying to memorize the lyrics of Donna Lewis' "I Love You Always Forever" instead of focusing on our polygons.

Factoid #2: You know you're growing up when you start thinking of your school days as the good old days.

When I was still in school and I would complain about it, adults would turn wistful and inevitably drop one of these lines, "I miss school. I'd love to be able to quit my job and trade places with you in a minute." "When you get out, you'd do anything to get back in." I had to resist the strong urge to give them a nice little kick and settle for rolling my eyes. Now, just months after getting my degree, I'm doing the same thing. And my brother and cousins are the ones rolling their eyes at me. Truth be told, there's strange comfort in those times when our potentially biggest problems were really comparatively small. When the biggest consequences of our actions would just be a failing grade and the worst would be being expelled from school.

Factoid #3: You know you're growing up when you and your friends start sentences with, "Do you remember when...?"

Do you remember when you cut yourself with a kitchen knife and your mom thought someone was murdered in the bathroom? Do you remember when you walked into that glass door and left an imprint of your face on it? You actualy have a history with people -- and revisiting that has become a major kick, a welcome break from your life's realities.

Factoid #4: You know you're growing up when you start acting like a condescending adult.

One night, I was out with friends when a group of adolescent girls walked past us. They were heavily made up and were scantily clad. "Jailbait," one of us said. "What are they wearing?" another one said. "They're just children!" a third one said. Or there would be times we'd be out and there would be a group of boisterous teenagers at another table. They would always be met with raised eyebrows and snide remarks, as if we were never like them before, as if we don't still act like them sometimes.

Factoid #5: You know you're growing up when adult stuff has become your stuff.

Talking to friends used to revolve mostly around favorite bands, tv shows, crushes and how strict our parents are. We still do that now -- minus the part about the strict parents -- but a lot of saliva is also wasted on discussions about work hours, security, benefits, settling down, life partners, getting ready for the future. Your friend who used to spend all his time playing video games is now starting his own business. The classmate who was a whiz in Math class is now handling real accounts. The cousin who once let her younger sister pull out her tooth is now a dentist.

Factoid #6: You know you're growing up when money becomes an issue. Goodbye, allowance, hello, anxiety.

Realizing that your parents aren't there anymore to answer your every whim, you start being more responsible about your expenses. Lapses in judgment lead to consequences that would impart a lesson or two.

Factoid #7: You know you're growing up when you realize you're harder to please.

Heaven used to be having my grandparents take me shopping for Sanrio goodies or tons of books. Then came the time when seeing a crush smile was enough to make my heart soar. Now, happiness lies elsewhere--and a lot of us haven't discovered where.

Factoid #8: You know you're growing up when you start being a source of embarassment for younger relatives.

Face it, older relatives have been the reason behind a lot of our most hideous moments as teenagers. What about the aunt who insisted on interviewing your girlfriend? Or the great-uncle who liked snapping his dentures in public? My younger cousin was buying something and I kept trying to bargain with the man. The man refused to budge but that didn't stop me. My cousin had to nudge me to shut me up. Hilarious, I thought, when I realized he thought what I had been doing was embarassing.

Factoid #9: You know you're growing up when people around you start recognizing it too.

Just last Sunday, while my masseuse was kneading my back, she said, "You can now get married." I would have protested loudly but my face was muffled by the pillow. A few lunches ago, my father turned to me and asked when I was getting married. It was hard to believe that the question came from my father who, just some years back, freaked out when he realized that the huge bar of chocolate in the fridge came from a guy who was about to become my boyfriend. Before I could even respond, he declared that he wanted a grandchild by the time he was 50. I almost choked. He's turning 50 in less than a year. Funny. Get married and have kids when I am barely out of my haphazard romances phase? People respond to growing up in two ways--there are those who embrace it and those who fight it. I still haven't decided which one I am. But then, my subconscious may have already decided for me.. While my friends are getting married, moving in together, having babies, starting their own companies, getting completely serious about their worlds and their future, I've been acting even more like a kid. I've watched "Finding Nemo" three times. I've ordered Happy Meals because I wanted the Betty Spaghetty toys. My best friend and I have been going to toy stores more often. I still read children's books--my Judy Blume's and Ronald Dahl's and Beverly Cleary's. I enjoy pestering my younger brother even more now. I went to a mini store and looked for the candies of my childhood. My cousins and I left the house at two in the morning and went to a 24-hour diner in our pajamas. Now that's not very adult-like, is that? Those are the effects of my Peter Pan Syndrome. I used to think that I would relish every step toward being an adult. After all, I have long been clamoring for freedom and independence. But now that it's staring me in the face, I find myself reluctant to jump in. There is so much to love and cherish about being young. I refuse to let that go yet. But then, I think about my grandma who, at 75, is still the epitome of coolness, who exercises every morning, wears rubber shoes, texts, is an excellent mall buddy and remains a word wizard. I look at my other set of grandparents who still date up to now. I think about my grandpa who has done so much with his life, who discovers the best places to go to even before I hear about them and is so smart he'd be my lifeline if I joined the now dead "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" And I realize there is a way to become an adult and still embrace your youth. So maybe growing up isn't so bad after all. As long as it doesn't mean having to give up my Happy Meals.Ü

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

i slept with spidey

As I was fixing my sleep-warmed bed, I saw a dead spider under my pillow. So while I was weaving dreams in my sleep last night, the poor spider was weaving an imaginary coffin for itself. I pity the spider (I'm an animal-lover!) but I still felt somewhat grossed out. Yup. I slept with a dead spidey. Ugh!
Do you, at times, wake up feeling a sense of bliss? Does your mind occasionally get blown away by tsunami-sized waves of thoughts ( There you go, little rascal. Abreast with current issues!)? Well, this is definitely one of those days. I have to pen my thoughts to decongest my mind. I have to share my happiness with someone 'coz my heart's about to explode any minute now. The weird thing is...I'm happy for no apparent reason. Hehe. Must be the optimist in me. :-)
I'm a sucker for romance movies. I can be jologs anytime I want to. Watched Got to Believe in Magic (for the umpteenth time!) on cable. I caught glimpses of this film several times before but i never got to finish it. I still don't know the entire story up to now. Hehe. One thing I realized though...Kinda miss Rico Yan's bedimpled smile.
I was planning on penning an instant poem here but I really have to log off now. I'll visit my aunt. Poem will follow, hopefully, later tonight...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Hi blog-readers! Modified my entry, "Bitten by the 24/7 Bug" a bit. My comment, "Boys? I like! Hehehe. (obviously, this was a joke)," made me sound like a major flirt which I'm SO NOT. Hehe.
Guess what my Japanese name is? It's Fujiwara (wisteria fields) Michiyo (3 thousand generations), whatever that means. Check out this site (thanks, lester):

Monday, January 10, 2005

Amor Ergo Sum

Longing is such a cliche'. It's the most tiring cliche' in the world, but you do it anyway. You begin to weave a pattern of desires. You pluck out the thorns, the knots, the snarls. You comb the threads carefully, you look at the pattern you've designed on that cheap notebook paper, and you begin to weave. Everyday you weave, and every night you unravel what you've made. When you're almost through, you undo everything and start all over again.
--- Drama Queen by Abi Aquino
You have searched for true love in your own way. But my ways are not your ways. I want to script a beautiful tale just for you, but first you must trust me with the pen of this precious area of your life. Wil you let ME write your love story?
--- God (When God Writes Your Love Story)

Saturday, January 08, 2005

You'll Be Safe Here

This week has been really tough for me. Good thing I was able to destress a bit last night. Went malling with Rej and Amy. Good find for the night: piano piece (Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini which was featured in my fave movie of all time). Tried out Pizza Hut's salad bar. My second time. I really dig their salad. The cheese puffs were surprisingly tasty. There's this bell you're supposed to ring if you had a good time. Fetus version of the church bell. They dared me do it. Was game enough to ring it thrice. There's actually a cute story behind the ringing of the bell but I'm still contemplating on whether or not to share it here. Checked out the Kamiseta sale. Rej (certified shopaholic) got really disappointed 'coz shoppers were not allowed to try on the clothes on sale. Oh well. Went to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for the much-awaited sharing of "thought-provoking" questions (Rej, what was yours? Oh. After a looonnng pause, my good friend Rej asked "May nakatira kaya sa buliding na 'yan?" pointing to an old building across the street. Wow. So profound. Hehe. I think her cold choco beverage's the culprit.), gossiping and soul-baring. Cheryl followed but missed the juicier stories. Better luck next time, gossip queen. Hehe.
Domo arigato gozaimasu to everyone who helped me get through this hellish week. My heartfelt thanks to Matel, Miguel (Mitch), Glenn, Vladimir (Buddy), Rej, Mia, Cheryl, Amy, Gie, Nikki, Ann and everyone who included my aunt in their prayers. This song reminds me so much of the comfort you've brought me.
You'll Be Safe Here
Nobody knows
Am G
Just why we're here
Could it be fate
Am G
Or random circumstance
At the right place
Am G
At the right time
Two roads intertwined
(stanza chords)
And if the universe conspired
To melt our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall i be
Close your eyes
Dry your tears
Dm F
'coz when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
F or E
Weary heart
You'll be safe here
(stanza chords)
Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong
And though the world won't
Ever understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free
Pray and believe
(same as first chorus' chords )
When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
C G A# Am G#m G C
(chorus chords)
Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart
When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here
When no one understands
I'll believe
You'll be safe
You'll be safe
You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Bitten by the 24/7 Bug

Ever since the advent of Sun Cell’s Call & Text 24/7, the textus addictus reigned supreme. Let me share with you some of the inspirational/cute/insanely jologs/hilariously funny/I-want-you-to-feel-downright-guilty messages that were forwarded by friends. Little rascal’s comments are in italics.

Life is only traveled once.
Today’s moment becomes tomorrow’s memory.
Enjoy every moment, good, happy or sad
Because the gift of life is life itself.

The ideal girl goes home early, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t fight, hindi mahilig sa boys! In short, hindi tayo ‘yun. --- Hey, I don’t flirt, smoke nor drink. I’m not a war freak either. Boys? Hmmm... I’m a hopeless romantic. ‘Nuff said.

We are all meant to fly…to soar…
But then at times, we fail…we fall…
So if ever you fail and fall, feel free…
You know you can simply just…crash into me.

sometimes, we keep on pushing people away
knowing they’ll be back
but be careful whom you push away
‘coz one day, you’ll realize how much they mean to you
only to find out you can never pull them back (OUCH!)

people often complain
what a small world we have…
i’d rather have it small
and have met someone like you…
than have it so big
but missed knowing you… (AWWW!)

Show this at any MCDONALD’S store outlet
and get a FREE order of regular French fries.
Promo ends Dec 31
DTI-NCR Permit # 00339208718
(Siyet! Too bad I didn’t get to use this.)

Disappointments are like road humps.
They slow you down a bit
but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards.
Don’t stay on the humps too long.
Move on!
Don’t give up!

i’m like a child in a candy store
looking for that one perfect piece of candy
and just when i was about to give up on finding it
you came along
and became one of the sweetest things in my life

if we are stars adrift in nothingness
never think that your spark is worthless amidst the billion others
because somewhere, somehow…
someone is thankful for your light
i know i am (sigh-sigh-sigh)

In love, we all take risks.
We all fall down and get hurt.
But you should never be scared
To go a little further or a little crazier.
‘Coz in the end,
The sweetest love is that one that made you lose control. (not always…)

When my days are dark and I feel blue
Can I ask something?
Can I think of you?
It’s the only way I could get through
‘Coz it’s nice to know
I have you
(I’ve read this message before. Oh. Puppy love days. When I was in elementary, my classmates and I used to swap cute message cards which looked a lot like calling cards. These cards were a mere 2 bucks each. They contained thoughts about friendship, love and self-improvement. I truly miss the simple pleasures of childhood. Peter Pan syndrome attack. I have begun to appreciate the wisdom that comes with age though.)
My aunt’s condition is starting to improve. She had no seizures today. The doctors are planning to reduce the dosage of her anticonvulsants. This will cause less stupor. Hopefully, she will “wake up.” God is good.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Closing Cycles by Paul Coelho

My aunt is in coma. Cardiorespiratory arrest secondary to Status Asthmaticus. Glasgow Coma Scale Score of 5. It's really depressing. Happened a day after New Year. It was totally unexpected. This article somehow helped me accept bitter reality.
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Hi blog readers! You may now post your comments to my blog entries even if you're not a blog user. Changed the settings already. So, speak up and be heard. :-)